


always have been, always will be

by hobijam



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Body Image, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hormones, OT9 - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, real world i dont know how to tag it, some initial, trans girls helping trans girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-30
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-25 22:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10774188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobijam/pseuds/hobijam
Summary: "They're... mine. I uh, I grew them. Myself. Organic, home grown, cruelty-free... boobs. Yeah."The glorious, somewhat angsty, somewhat funny, mostly unplanned, and entirely exuberant story of Sehun buying bras, coming out, loving herself, and trusting her brothers.Prompt #13 for exonthespectrum!





	always have been, always will be

**Author's Note:**

> i love sehun

 

 

She’s long ago learned how to deal with them, the masculine image expected of her, the strong male face she’d been born with, the constant misgendering that comes with being the only girl in a group of boys. Since puberty, probably. That’s when she’d really started noticing her body, its differences from other girls. The thin lines of skinny-kid abs, the narrowness of her hips and the flatness of her chest. As her voice began to crack and deepen, and her features crossed the lines from androgynous to masculine, she’d begun to adjust. To resign. In just her preteen years, Sehun had already given up on living as herself.

So really, it shouldn’t be that big of a blow when her manager tells her to pursue a more adult, masculine image for the next comeback. She’d been too pampered with her short, soft lines in _“Sing For You”_  and is expected to be a strong, rugged monster for the new year. It’s a small step back, but a step back nonetheless.

She’s not nervous about the comeback. She’ll be fine; there will be discomfort, as always- undressing in a changing room again and being seen by so many boys, being expected to get back in shape and build muscles she doesn’t want, and the excessive amount of schedule means she can’t meet up with her girl friends- but it will pass. It will always pass.

All she’s nervous about now is her body. She’s been on estrogen and antiandrogens since the new year, and with that long under her belt, she’s had some noticeable changes to her body, namely, the painful and slow development of her breasts. As well, the small amounts of fat she’s gained since the last comeback has begun to distribute itself in a more feminine way; her hips have gained a little padding, her thighs have become wider, and, her opinion best of all, her butt has gotten rounder. Even her face has begun to round out, softening her coveted jawline. Fansites have quickly noticed, but currently chalked it up to regular weight gain. She knows it’s a bold decision, beginning a transition in the middle of a ten-year contract with SM, while she’s still in a dorm full to bursting with eight boys. But it’s what she has to do. She couldn't have waited any longer or the dysphoria would kill her. At least this way, her pills in the morning are a reason to get up at the crack of dawn for the growing schedules.

At one of said early morning practices, she’s working on her dance with the rest of the group. They’re still in the developmental stages of both main choreographies, _“Monster,”_ and _“Lucky One._ The songs are to be released in early June, and EXO is too far behind at this point. Creating and learning two new dances in just a month and a half will be taxing, especially with promotional shoots, MV filming (two times, ugh) and audio recording. They’ve at least gotten the audio down, the song arranged, so now they can suffer in the training room by hearing their own voices on loop as they tirelessly dance.

Though the choreographies are still being finalized, that doesn‘t mean there‘s nothing to dance. Actually, there‘s too much to dance. Three varied dances are currently competing with each other to sync up with _“Monster,”_ and in run throughs of parts of _“Lucky One,”_ up to five different sequences are proposed for the chorus and bridge. Nothing Sehun can‘t usually handle, being a dancer and all,  but today isn‘t a usual day. She‘s wearing a loose muscle tee today, after someone left the wash in the machine for three days and ended up moulding all of her skintight under armor shirts that she‘s been using as a closet bra. The shirts do look weird under some clothes, but with her breasts beginning to develop, she can‘t really afford to let them show. ‘Man boob‘ would look too out of place on such a fit young person. So, without her under armor, she‘s resorted to wearing the loosest of her clothes, and while it works to disguise the slight bumps, it does _nothing_ for the pain she feels when her extremely oversensitive breasts fly around unsupported during the dance practices.

“Sehun.” Yixing startles her, coming up behind her during a five minute break in dancing and slinging a sweaty, muscular arm over her. Grossed out by the damp armpit hair she can feel touching her own bare shoulder, Sehun takes a minute to collect herself before she looks away from her phone.

She finally responds, nodding at Yixing and extricating herself from the elder’s hold. He looks a little disappointed at the lack of affectionate reciprocation, but he’ll get over it. He always does, having learned long ago that not everyone in the group is as touchy-feely as himself.

Yixing doesn’t respond, instead looking curiously at her face in her silence, like he’s inspecting her for a flaw. “You seem... Off. Are you feeling okay?”

Sehun grimaces, trying to think of an excuse for the pained face she’s been wearing throughout the morning. “I, uh, I haven’t been feeling well. My stomach kind of hurts.”

“Gas?” Yixing’s eyes go wide, and Sehun wishes she could backtrack. Out of everyone, Yixing is the one that takes illness the most seriously, (yet always neglects himself during his solo schedules.) “Could you have eaten something? Or are you getting sick?”

“It’s not so bad.” Sehun waves her hand.

“It’s better to deal with it now than to suppress it until later.” Yixing cautions. He’s always so sweetly unaware, proposing that she could possibly take a day off when EXO’s barely had any of those since the beginning. “You’ll regret it if you’re sick during promotions.”

Sehun weighs her options. She’s the adored maknae of the group, and with Joonmyeon rather than their manager in charge today, she could definitely use her lovely cute charms to weasel her way out of the day’s schedule and have a whole day to herself. But, realistically, missing just a day could set her so far behind, and if she gets sick for real later on, she won’t be able to get a break, even just an hour to take a nap.

Fuck it. She’s still a kid, she’s gonna take a break when it’s offered.

Yixing’s still looking at her curiously, and pulling out her best acting skills, she wrenches up her face and groans, leaning into Yixing’s chest to butter him up with a little affection. She’s _good_ at being the pampered one, and knows just how to get her way. “Hyung, I really don’t feel good.” She even calls him ‘hyung,’ which she avoids as much as possible because of it’s gendered connotations.

“Oh, poor Sehun.” Yixing envelops her into a sweaty hug, before half-dragging her still imprisoned body to their leader. “Joonmyeon!” Yixing’s voice is desperate, like Sehun is dying in his arms rather than pretending to be sick. “Our poor maknae is sick! He needs to rest!”

Joonmyeon looks uncomfortable, glancing around like he’s waiting for the absent manager to scold him. “Are you sure, Sehun? Can you pull through today and go to bed early tonight?”

Sehun feels like a major bitch, but shakes her head no anyways. She’s committed to the lie, and has to see it through. Besides, this is the only free day she can anticipate for at least a month. “I’ll wake up earlier tomorrow?” She offers, trying to look as cute yet pitiful as possible. Joonmyeon sighs. Sehun knows she‘ll be able to get out of this one- not only does the leader love her _endlessly_ , but she also knows she‘s an adaptable dancer. Joonmyeon will give her a break. She‘s already learned most of the for-sure choreography, anyway.

“I suppose. Just don’t be seen, okay?” The leader concedes, and Sehun smiles brightly, before remembering she’s supposed to be sick.

“Thank you!” She moves from Yixing’s arms to Joonmyeon’s, who smiles fondly up at her.

“I’m serious, Sehun, if too many fan pictures get out today then the manager is going to know I let you leave early.”

“I get it, I get it.” Sehun affirms. She holds Joonmyeon’s hand loosely in her own, playing with his fingers and trying to comfort him. His anxiety always peaks before a comeback, and being left in charge of the group while the manager is busy doesn’t help. “I’ll be so stealth they think I never left the building.”

“Good luck with that.” Joonmyeon replies dryly, before walking back towards the group of boys spread out in various states of dishevelment across the floor and summoning them to continue on with practice. Groaning, everyone complies, and Sehun slips out the door, phone and earbuds in hand.

Standing outside the practice room, she finds herself listening to the muffled intro to _“Monster.”_ Kyungsoo and Baekhyun’s strong voices sing about a goddess, beautiful and dangerous. Looking in the darkened window to the empty practice room across the hall, she stares at her reflection. In the stark light of the hallway, the hollows of her eyes and cheeks are dark, and her face looks sharper, rougher. Despite that, her mind paints an image of herself, one where she has long, black hair and full lips, soft cheeks and long eyelashes. For a moment, she is the goddess, the woman who makes hearts race and has songs written about her. The one that all the men want and can never have. She revels in herself, carefully adjusts her shirt so that her small breasts appear. Turning side to side, inspecting herself, she allows this moment of imagination, of hope. Maybe this is what she can become. She’s on her way, definitely, but never fast enough. Winking at herself, she hides a smile behind her hand, trying to look mysterious.

And then the fantasy shatters. A janitor comes down the hall with his cart, and she scrambles to hide her body and act nonchalant. The goddess is gone, replaced by a still awkward, lanky kid that has no hope of passing, no hope of ever looking like more than a joke. Her shoulders are still too wide, face still too masculine and voice still too deep. Her hips still have no padding, her legs are still hairy and her stance is still too tall.

Sighing, she drags her feet down the hall and navigates her way to a back door, popping out in an alley. It’s too early for fans to be back here- even the most dedicated fansite will choose the front, sunny side of the building rather than the back, freezing alley on such a cold morning. Thankful for that, Sehun dons her sunglasses and snapback and makes picks her way through a network of alleys until she reaches the street. The SM building isn’t too far from the dorm. She could walk it if she wanted, but that would use up most of her morning. So instead, she hails a cab, ducking inside and muttering her destination.

She pulls out her phone, passing the time on a game when a notification pops up.

 

Hwayeonnie: How’s your day so far?

 

She smiles at her screen Her favorite unnie never fails to make her day a little brighter. The two of them met at one of the LGBT events Sehun had secretly attended back in her trainee days, when no one had known her name, and have been friends ever since. Their relationship is almost entirely through text, even though she lives miraculously just a few blocks from Sehun. They see each other in Hwayeon’s apartment sometimes, but other than that, Sehun keeps her distance. She can’t risk anything; Hwayeon is openly transgender, working as an activist, so both her and Sehun’s faces are well-known. If ever they were seen together, the internet would go wild. From dating rumors to gay rumors to angry fans, it just isn’t worth the risk, and Hwayeon understands that. She’s been the most gentle trans woman in Sehun’s life, never pressuring her to be more feminine or transition faster like others, who feel that the best advice they can give is just, ‘get it over with quickly.’ Hwayeon insists that Sehun explore her gender and presentation, take as much time as she needs and only transition as far as she wants to. Sehun loves her for that.

Quickly, she types back.

 

Sehun:  unnie it’s horrible !!!

Hwayeonnie: no no did someone say something? see something?

Hwayeonnie: do i need to come over and help you explain yourself to them?

Hwayeonnie: i can beat their asses too exo come at me

 

Sehun chuckles. Hwayeon is such a worrier, always has been. She knows that Sehun’s been working up the nerve to come out to EXO, and is helping her with a plan and script, but still- Sehun would have been frantically texting her unnie for _hours_ beforehand, freaking out about every little thing and needing support from a more experienced trans sister.

 

Sehun: lol no. some idiot just left the laundry in the machine for like. three days. i had to throw my undershirts out.

Hwayeonnie: you scared me binch!

Hwayeonnie: oh well at least those ugly ass shirts are gone.

Hwayeonnie: fucking finally. let’s get you a real bra girl!

 

Sehun can’t imagine buying a bra. Sure, it’s something that’s probably needed in this stage of her physical transition. At least a sports bra. But she can’t just go into any store on the street and buy one! What if a fan saw her! What if the saleswoman caught on that she wasn’t buying a bra for a freakishly disproportionate girlfriend but for herself! Buying in a store is too risky, not to mention embarrassing. Sehun’s only physical interaction with the undergarments were when she was little, routinely snuck into her sister’s closet while she was out. Bras and dresses were the things she was most interested in, stuffing the fabric with socks and spinning around in an old dress. She’d done it until she grew too big, until she realized the meaning behind her actions. Now, the idea of even touching a bra seems far-fetched, something she’s much too inexperienced for.

 

Sehun: good one.

Hwayeonnie: i’m serious! we can go in together and i’ll say it’s for me!

Sehun: unnie you have way bigger boobs than me

Hwayeonnie: and i’m prettier.

Hwayeonnie: but really i want to be part of my baby sister getting her first bra... :(

Sehun: i got out of practice today.

Sehun: can i come over and use your computer to order a bra?

Hwayeonnie: asDFGHJK

Hwayeonnie: YES

 

\--

 

“Girl, you can’t spend three years looking for the right bra. Pick one now or I’m not paying.”

Hwayeon is splayed over her queen bed, head somewhere near Sehun, who’s propped up on her stomach looking at her unnie’s laptop, and feet and limbs everywhere else. One of her long, bare legs is draped over the back of Sehun’s, and her delicate hands toss popcorn into her mouth without abandon.

“I’m looking..." Sehun pouts. “Unnie help me out this is so hard.”

Hwayeon sighs like the weight of the world is on her shoulders, before grinning and scooting up to the computer, shoulder bumping with Sehun. She wipes her hands on the bedspread and gets to work.

“Okay, so you’re looking at D cups. Your boobs are not that big darling.” Giggling, Hwayeon changes the search terms.

“I was looking for ‘big’ because I have a big chest.” Sehun tries to explain herself, but Hwayeon just laughs it off. “Whatever.” She grumbles.

“So you’re like, a 36A, right?”

“I think so?”

“Well I measured you so it’s right.” Hwayeon quickly responds, pride in her voice. Sehun lightly hits her friend, laughing along with her. However, she stops when she sees the bras that come across the screen. _These_ look like her style. Sure, the bras themselves look a little disproportionate. The cups are too small and the bands too long, but something about them seems more _right._ The models look closer to her own body shape, their femininity looks more achievable than that of the hourglass shaped models on the previous page. Sehun finds her heart feeling a little lighter, the indescribable fluttering feeling of having something so daunting become a little less scary settling in.

“I like that one.” She points to the screen, leaving a fingerprint over a discreet black sports bra, with a zipper in the front because there’s no way in hell she can figure out a back clasp.

Hwayeon whips her head to the side to stare at Sehun, dead faced and judgmental. “Bo-ring.”

“Well, I can’t just have them pushed up for everyone to see, can I?” Sehun crossly retorts. “I have a good six years to go before that can happen.”

Sehun doesn’t mean to do it, but her words depress the mood significantly. She doesn’t like to pay much attention to the fact that she’s signed a ten-year contract with SM, that at the young age of eighteen she’d been allowed to decide the next third of her life. She doesn’t regret it, really. But she wishes it could have been a different way. It’s impossible, but Sehun wishes she could have been a girl among EXO, their maknae and only female. It’s unimaginable in real life for a million reasons, but those don’t apply when she’s dreaming.

“Fine.” Hwayeon decides. “I’ll order two of these tit prisons _and_ a nice pretty one. You can at least wear it around me.”

Sehun hugs her friend, or at least attempts to by slinging an arm over her shoulder and only succeeding in knocking over the popcorn bowl. Hwayeon laughs, and goes to order the bras, baby blue lace one included.

Sehun has no idea what she would do without Hwayeon. Not just because she has a place where Sehun can express herself, but also because of how much she’s guided her. Hwayeon’s shown Sehun a feminine role model, a woman to look up to that understands almost exactly what she’s going through. Somehow, the beautiful, funny, worldly Hwayeon decided to take a lanky fifteen year old kid hiding in the corner of her LGBT youth group under her wings. Throughout Sehun’s teens, Hwayeon has counseled her and helped her understand her own femininity, assured her that whatever pace she wants to go at is the right one, and that her transition is completely her own, no one else’s. Sehun loves her for that.

“With the expensive shipping it will get here in one to two days!” Hwayeon proclaims after a few clicks on her laptop. “That’s only forty-eight hours max of loose titties under your shirt. Think you can survive?”

Sehun smiles. “I’ll manage. But I might not be able to come over here to get them for a while.” With her having missed today, she’ll need to take extra time out of her packed day to catch up. That will keep her trapped trudging between the dorm and SM for at least a few days.

“So I’ll ship them to the dorm. No big deal. They offer discreet packaging.”

Sehun bites her thumbnail. Shipping anything to the dorm is an ordeal- no one has any idea what privacy is. Mail is thrown around and there’s never a time to be alone and open boxes. If anything resembling a care package comes in, the boys are all over it, begging the owner for a treat and eventually just taking it. She can’t imagine what the reaction would be if anyone saw her bras.

“What do they mean by discreet? Like, plain box with their address on the label, or plain box with no address?”

Hwayeon presses her lips together, understanding Sehun’s caution. Though she was never really in the closet, having transitioned as a small child, she does understand where Sehun is coming from. “I think it says their address, but the company sells all sorts of things. Wanna order something else to cover it up?”

Sehun nods, and the girls get back to browsing. Though Hwayeon threatens to order some weird sex toy they discover, the two ultimately decide on some skinny jeans that could barely pass as being intended for a males, and various tee shirts that Sehun notices for their androgynous look. She’s fairly satisfied with the purchase; she needs some new clothes after the ruined laundry load anyways, and this is killing two birds with one stone. But still, she worries about someone finding the bras.

She’s no stranger to hiding things-  there are snacks she hides in various corners of the apartment, hormones that she disguises as prescriptions, letters from home in the pages of her books, and most importantly, makeup and feminine clothes hidden in the hollow box-spring under her mattress. But God, if anyone ever found her hormones, makeup, clothes, shoes- that would be the end of her world.

She knows from the stories of other trans women that Hwayeon and she have met that the scariest way to leave the closet is to be outed. Tales of loved ones or friends discovering hormones and clothing and reacting with betrayal, anger, even violence haunt Sehun’s nightmares. She can’t imagine one of her bandmates outing her like that.

She wants to come out to them. She really does. It’s an itch under her skin that’s persisted longer than EXO has existed.

But fear. Fear holds her back. South Korea is a pretty shitty place to exist while trans. The country itself is more on the homophobic side, and non-cishet sexualities and gender identities are seen as perversions more often than not.

But Sehun’s not afraid that her bandmates will react violently, or have her removed from the band. She’s just afraid that they won’t treat her the same, let a space grow between herself and the rest. That’s what would hurt her the most, the loss of such a strong and loving support system. She and the eight boys have been through multiple hells, and have become only closer because of that. To lose that bond... That would be like losing a part of her heart.

“How would you do it?” She suddenly asks. Hwayeon and Sehun have moved on from their online shopping to watching some drama on netflix, though Sehun hasn’t been paying attention- too occupied in her thoughts. Hwayeon must sense the nervous tone of her voice, because she pauses the show and rolls off her stomach and onto her side, facing Sehun.

“Thinking about telling them again?” Her voice is sympathetic, caring. Talking to Hwayeon when she’s in these moods is like talking to a very liberal, very eccentric mother figure.

Sehun nods in response to her unnie’s question, choosing her words carefully. “I know you don’t want to tell me how to be myself, but can you help me out? Everything we’ve thought of just doesn’t seem right.”

Hwayeon looks away from Sehun for a moment, scrutinizing the wall behind her head while she thinks. “Honestly, I don’t want to sound mean or like I’m invalidating you, but I don’t think you have that much to worry about. These guys- they’re like your brothers. Closer, even, right?”

“Mhm.”

“So I think the best thing you can do is just gather them together, and tell them. Like, _‘hey, friends: I’m transgender. I’m a woman. I know you don’t understand, but I’ll explain it to you.’_ Bam. You’re welcome.”

“Could I really though?” Sehun asks. “Just like that?”

“That’s how I told Kwangsuk.” Hwayeon shrugs, referencing the terrifying moment when she had come out to her boyfriend of a few months at the time. Sehun remembers it, about a year and a half ago. She remembers how much of a nervous wreck Hwayeon had been, how she was constantly texting Sehun for support before she finally did it. In the end, she had to explain to Kwangsuk exactly what a transgender person was, and what that meant for her and their relationship, but he’d been incredibly quick to understand, and promised that their relationship would stay the same, and he would be honored to be her boyfriend. And, true to his word, the two are going to celebrate their two year anniversary soon.

“You say it like it’s the easiest thing in the world,” Sehun replies sarcastically, “We both know how scared you were, unnie.”

“Pssh.” She waves a hand. “It’s worth it in the end ‘Hun-ah.” Affectionately, she rubs a hand up and down Sehun’s bicep. The action would normally make the younger self conscious about the muscle that still remained, but with Hwayeon, it’s different. Hwayeon is Sehun’s safe place. Nothing physical matters, nothing outside of their minds and their hearts. “I hope you do this soon. Keeping secrets from the ones you love is bad for your heart. And it gives you wrinkles.”

“Ha-ha.” Sehun sighs. “I’m just scared.”

Foregoing any thoughts of the movie entirely, Hwayeon shuffles around, leaning her back against the headboard and pulling Sehun’s large frame to rest against her chest and between her legs, like a mother embracing her child. One hand runs over Sehun’s hair, and the other rubs her back. Hwayeon knows Sehun loves to be pampered, and it just so happens that Hwayeon is a pampering person. It works out perfectly.

“I know.” She murmurs. “I know.”

 

\---

 

The days leading up to Sehun’s bra delivery are a mixture of excitement and fear, like the moment before you jump off a cliff and fall into the water below, screaming in terror and joy at the same time. Whenever she returns to the dorms (much later than the others because of needing to play catch up, who are already home with takeout from wherever they went without her) and sees the various mail that’s showed up from fans, her heart skips a beat and she carefully searches for her own name, and the address of the company it was sent from. So far, she’s been zero for two, each day making her nerves fry a little bit more and her anxious texts to Hwayeon a little bit longer.

Knowing herself, Sehun and Hwayeon have set up a goal time to have come out to EXO: the end of _“Monster”_  and _“Lucky One”_ promotions. The dates are scarily close, but they also couldn’t come sooner. She’s aching to have this weight of secrecy of her shoulders, aching to be known as her true self by her bandmates. Hwayeon’s adamantly refused to help Sehun write a script, on the grounds that, A) 'she doesn’t interfere with Sehun’s transition, which is and should always be completely her own,’ and B) ‘scripts are for dorks.’

Either way, Sehun’s going to at least prepare herself to give the most basic of answers to whatever questions the boys may have, including the insensitive ones like, ‘are you just gay?’ or, ‘so, you’re a drag queen?’  and a personal favorite, ‘don’t you know you have a penis?’ She doesn’t put it past some of the members to be crude; they’re young men, that’s just their way of trying to reduce their discomfort. She’s ready to be an educator, speak as kindly and calmly as possible. Luckily, that time won’t come for a while.

While the days are warm, spring still makes the night temperature drop, and as Sehun trudges home after a late night of catching up on the day she’d missed, all that keeps her going through the cold is the thought of the takeout that the boys are sure to have waiting for her. The past two nights it’s been pho from a Vietnamese place down the street, and barbecue that Sehun is still a little sore about missing. Either way, with the bar set pretty high for what she’s expecting, she can’t wait for what her adoring bandmates are bringing her tonight.

Reaching the dorms, however, she wishes she’d stayed at the SM building; all eight boys are in the living room, clustered around various boxes of fanmails, one of which she recognizes as bearing the label to the company Hwayeon had ordered from.

Oh, fuck.

Dread quickly settles in the pit of her stomach. A thousand thoughts whir through her head, too quick in passing to even be recognized. All she can feel is the all-encompassing emotion of fear. This is too soon. She isn’t ready. She hasn’t even spoken to Hwayeon- oh god Hwayeon. This is her fault if Sehun hadn’t just given in when she wanted to order them to the dorms-

“He’s here!” Chanyeol’s booming voice breaks through her thoughts. Everyone in the dorm turns to look at the doorway, and Sehun, probably frozen like a deer in headlights, stares back.

“Hi, hyungs...” She forces a small smile onto her face, toeing off her shoes and stepping into the room. “What did you bring me for dinner?”

Joonmyeon stands up to retrieve the takeout from the kitchen, tossing a cheerful, “Bibimbap,” over his shoulder.

“So, uh,” Sehun begins, nervously licking her lips as she approaches the living room, and the low table where her package waits among several boxes of mail, “what are we doing?”

“Mail Monday.” Chanyeol is already digging into one of his envelopes, eating something that a fan must have sent. “You seriously forgot?”

“You even got a big box!” Joonmyeon appears in the room again, with a steaming plate that makes Sehun’s stomach rumble. “I told everyone to wait for you.”

“Great.” Sehun replies dryly, sitting down where she’s wedged between Yixing and Jongdae, who sift through some smaller letters. ”Hand me a letter?”

Obligingly, Jongin passes a plain white envelope to his roommate, who takes it with greasy fingers. Inside is a small sheet of plain paper, with a few scrappy drawings of what she presumes is herself. There‘s a generic, _‘Sehun-oppa, I love you so much! Keep making music with EXO! Fighting!‘_ message inside, and though she really wants to treasure every word that the fans send, the anxiety over having her secret so close to being discovered makes her unable to focus. The box seems to radiate energy, which buzzes in Sehun‘s fingers and tickles the soles of her feet, making eating difficult as her body gets ready to run away.

Around her, the usual sounds of paper ripping and the boys chuckling or cooing at their mail carries on undisturbed. Sehun closes her eyes, calms her nerves. The anxiety that‘s twisted her throat in knots fails to subside, still making her eyes dart and hands shake.

”I‘m going to go to sleep. I‘ll open these tomorrow.” Hoping to escape with her underwear, Sehun tries to pick up the box only to be stopped by Baekhyun.

“I wanna see what’s in the big box though...” He whines, running his hands over the cardboard like he’s feeling it up. “I’ll bet it’s something _good_ left over from your birthday...”

Gritting her teeth, Sehun yanks the box away, causing Baekhyun to fall over the top of the table and displace all the other mail. He cries out, mostly in fake pain, but enough to grab the attention of the rest of the room.

“Hey,” Minseok’s voice stops Sehun. “That was uncalled for. What’s with you?”  

Sehun stares at Baekhyun, still bent over the coffee table, frozen in shock, and then at Minseok, who’s standing up like he’s going to knock Sehun’s head to a wall. She does not have the energy for this. After an exhausting day, all she wants to do is eat her dinner and crawl into bed, not deal with the tricky situation of getting her box away from the group, or handling an accident Baekhyun’s sure to make a big deal out of. He has a habit of exaggerating; he likes to be pampered almost as much as Sehun, but receives much less indulgence.

“Just open the box and then go to bed.” Jongdae offers, before leaning to help Yixing decipher some messy Korean in one of his letters. “Not hard.”

Yes hard. Sehun feels her annoyance building, the anxiety and fatigue reacting in the pit of her stomach making her volatile. Can’t they just leave her alone? Why are the boys so interested in her goddamn box! They have their own mail!

“I don’t want to!” She finally exclaims, and the room goes silent, eight pairs of eyes on her. “Can’t you just leave me alone!? It’s my box!”

Oh, fuck. Sehun’s eyes widen, arms going slack and almost dropping the box. She’s done it now, really drawn attention to herself. There’s no way she’s getting out of here- living with the others for so long has taught her. They‘re vultures. She loves them, but they‘re fucking _vultures._

“What’s in the box.” Minseok says. It isn’t a question- he’s commanding Sehun. Forget shit creek, she’s lost in the shit sea.

Sehun shakes her head. Holy shit, they‘re all going to think this is way worse than this is- actually, it can‘t be worse than this. But she looks so _suspicious_ now-

“Sehun-” Joonmyeon attempts to de escalate the situation. While he’s technically the leader of EXO, he’s too softhearted. Minseok is the one to fear, the one to really watch. He’s the enforcer, the one who makes sure the others are in line. Slowly, he moves toward Sehun, hand outstreched like he’s cornering a wild dog. The rest of the room watches, rapt attention on the two.

Jongin crosses his legs, sighing and trying to be the peacemaker. “C’mon, man, it can’t be anything bad.”

That’s it. Sehun snaps. She is _not_ a man. Something in her boils over. She‘s been facing this for so long- bro oppa buddy man dude- that isn‘t her. She‘s not a man not a guy not a dude not an oppa- she can‘t do this! Every single word, every single look, every single letter and every single second she‘s been playing this part of being male piles up on her, like heavy books on a thin wood shelf. She‘s tried for so long- so goddamn long- and what has she gotten from it? Pain, secrecy, distance- she just wants friends. People who can know her and accept her and love her just for who she is. Is that too much? Has God had it out for her so badly that she can never even hope for more than one support in this entire world? The stress of it oh _God_ the stress has her wrung out, a rope so close to snapping it‘s practically a thread.

So, she gives in. The stress, the anger, the secrecy and self-hate that‘s been filling her heart for so long, the lies she‘s been telling, they end. It‘s gonna end. Fuck everything, she‘s gonna tell them. So what if it‘s impulsive, and unsafe, and angry- she‘s coming out goddamnit!

“It’s bras! Bras for _me!"_ She rips open the box, flinging away the coverup clothes she bought and displaying the lace blue bra that Hwayeon had insisted upon. “I am _not_ your ‘bro’ not your ‘man!’ I’m a woman and I have been forever and I never told you because I was so afraid and now you just can’t let me leave and _fuck!”_ She throws her hands up, exhaling heavily and holding her bra out to be seen.

Holy shit.

She really just did that. She really came out.

The shocked faces around the room are enough proof of that.

She has no time to worry over what she’s just done before Chanyeol begins laughing.

“Sehun- You know-” He stops multiple times, giggles overtaking him. “I’ve seen your dick man. Multiple times. You’re _not_ a woman.”

As if it’s contagious, nervous laughs begin to echo Chanyeol’s, taking over the room. This is the most tense she’s ever seen the boys. It’s driving her blood cold.

The only ones with straight faces are Minseok and Joonmyeon. The first watches in surprised silence, knowing eyes glancing up and down Sehun's form. Joonmyeon... he’s got something like a thousand-yard stare. His eyes focus on nothing and it looks like Sehun’s almost broken him.

“I am a woman, Chanyeol.” Sehun straightens her shoulders, coming up to her full height. Un-slumped, she feels more powerful, even if she looks taller. “I’m transgender.” Her shaky voice hushes the giggles going around the room, and eight pairs of eyes stare at her. In the silence, she feels uncomfortable, and realizes she’s still holding her bra out in front of her. She balls up the blue lace and holds in close to her, like a stuffed animal. The sudden emptiness in the air, the lack of conversation, has her compelled to speak more, if only to fill the uncomfortable silence. “I, um, I’ve known since I was little- I- I- Liked to play with the girls instead of the boys, and wore my sister’s dresses, and wanted to grow up being a little girl instead of a boy... and things like that... And I was waiting to tell you all I don’t know when but I was stressed and the bras came and- y’know?”

Again, no one responds. Tears well in Sehun’s eyes.

Like a kid in a classroom, Yixing raises his hand. “Sorry, what does ‘transgender’ mean? Context clues I think it’s ‘gay’?”  

Sehun presses her lips together. “It’s when-

“-When a man thinks he’s a woman for some Godless reason.”

She’s cut off by Baekhyun, whose shrill voice sounds almost melancholy, if possible.

“I’m sorry?” Astonished, Sehun looks at her bandmate. Of anyone, she’s expected Baekhyun to be the more supportive type. He’s been pretty happy to blur the lines in relationships at the dorm, push boundaries on what can be considered normal affection and then something added. But this... This is something different.

“You heard me. I think you’ve got something in the head. I think that-”

“Hey!” Minseok cuts in. He’s standing up now, arms crossed. Joonmyeon’s mind seems to have gone AWOL, and he’s dutifully stepping in as the second in command. “Just because you disagree with Sehun’s... Lifestyle... Doesn’t mean you get to disrespect him like that. He’s our bandmate in the end, and I want you to treat everyone here, _including_ him, with respect.”

Baekhyun scowls. He’s up and out of the room quickly, door to his room slamming behind him. Chanyeol follows, probably to try and calm him down, and then the room is seven. Six, really, because Joonmyeon’s really checked out.

Everyone is still silent. Sehun wants to ask about pronouns, but feels like that might be pushing it. Too much in too little time.

Kyungsoo announces that he’s going to put dinner away and Jongdae’s disappeared to... Sehun actually doesn’t know... The kid has a scary ability to disappear without anyone knowing. He’ll only come back to the room when he feels ready. Minseok goes to Joonmyeon’s side, pulling the leader into their shared room, probably trying to wake him up. Did Sehun really shock him that badly?

She throws herself back into her chair, shaky hands beginning to fold up her clothing and put it back into the box, when Yixing and Jongin both come up, on either side of her. Yixing sits on the armrest to her right, wrapping an arm around Sehun’s shoulders, and Jongin sits across from her, butt scrambling up some of the mail on the coffee table. Sehun tries to relax into Yixing’s touch- she’s loved the way his arms make her feel smaller.

“So I still need you to explain, Hunnie.” Yixing gently asks. Jongin nods.

“I want to try to understand.”

Sehun tearfully smiles, laughing a little bit at how silly she must look.

 

\---

 

Later in the night, Jongin decides to move his bed out of Sehun and his room. She doesn’t know how to feel about it- he says it’s because she’s a woman, and shouldn’t share a room with a man, but really, it’s _Jongin._ Sehun doesn’t want to think the worst. Both he and Yixing were understanding when she explained to them about her gender, asking questions and looking genuinely interested.

Yixing ended up just rolling with it, eventually parting with the sentiment that he’d support her in whatever, and would definitely like to talk more about it.

Jongin... Jongin had a harder time. He was hurt that she hadn’t told him first, hurt that she could keep such a thing from her best friend. He’d told her everything- every memory, embarrassing moment, and random thought. He’d stayed up for hours with her, talking about his own struggles and feelings and listening to hers. How could her gender not have come up?

Sehun didn’t have an answer, and that must have been why he needed at least a little break from her.

She’s finished helping him move the mattress of his bed out to the living room when she pauses by Joonmyeon’s door. Everyone’s ended up migrating to their rooms- it’s late, and they’ll be sleeping soon, and it’s a surprise that the door in front of her is cracked open. Inside, Joonmyeon is crying. Stoically, he stares at the wall, face unmoving as tears fall down his cheeks. Minseok is there. He’s next to the leader, trying hard to listen, elicit some response, some processing of his emotions. He must still be upset from when she came out earlier.

“I just don’t know what to do.” Sehun hears Joonmyeon mutter. “I- it’s already been so hard... It’s so so hard Minseok... Keeping these boys together...”

Minseok nods, and from what Sehun can see, he offers Joonmyeon a hug. Accepting the gesture, Joonmyeon’s next words are muffled.

“How can we hide.... could he get surgery.... fans.... what if the manager... how can I...”

Joonmyeon withdraws from the hug, and says the words that slice Sehun through the heart with an icy, jagged tear:

“What if this is it for us?"

  


Sehun is a mess. She sits in the middle of the hall, leaned against the wall and trying not to be loud in her crying. God, what if someone were to walk by?

Could this be her effect on the group? Could this be terrible enough for Joonmyeon to think that this could be the end? She can’t contemplate the answer. It’s beyond her ability. Dear God, how she’d cried when Kris left, Luhan. She’d wept at the loss of Zitao, her fellow maknae. Each departure tore the group to shreds, sent everyone their own ways in terms of coping. It took weeks to pull back together, re-stitch the poor kids into one cloth again. Could Sehun be the stress that tears up those stitches completely? She can’t imagine life without EXO, life without her eight brothers. This has been her dream for so many years- to sing, dance, _perform_ with these boys- it’s all she’s ever wanted. It’s all any and every single one of them has wanted. But has she been selfish enough to let her transition take priority? Has she been the one that will ultimately ruin all of their dreams? All she’s wanted is more, more, more. Being in the band isn’t enough, she needs to transition too... Selfish. Sehun feels selfish.

She’s not even got the strength to pull herself off the floor.

  


\---

  


Having collected herself just enough to pull away from Joonmyeon’s door and into her own room, Sehun ignores Hwayeon’s innocent check-in texts and falls into her bed, planning on having a good cry and going right to sleep afterwards.

She doesn’t know how she feels about losing Jongin’s company. The empty box-spring where his mattress used to lay seems to starkly white in the light that filters through the room’s blinds. Jongin’s stuff is still scattered over the floor; dirty laundry is in a heap by the closet, books and trinkets are piled upon a desk, used plates and utensils heaped under his bed. His presence is still there, at least. She doesn’t think she can sleep without it; she’s so accustomed to dorm life, where she’s shared a room with one, two, even three people.

Her phone is oddly silent. Normally, after Joonmyeon forces everyone else into bed, the group chat lights up with conversation. From Kyungsoo trying to guilt others to clean up after themselves to Yixing going on tangents about ass, there’s never a dull moment in the chat. However tonight, Sehun isn’t vain in thinking they could have made a new one to talk about her. She doesn’t have any idea what the could be saying. Maybe they’re plotting of how to tell the manager and get her kicked out. Maybe they’ll tell the world. Maybe they’ll come into her room later and attack her.

Okay, she knows they won’t do any of that. But she’s still scared shitless. She truly doesn’t know what her fellow bandmates could be talking about, and the stress is eating at her. Could they be trying to understand her? Trying to figure out how to handle this, how to live with one of their 'brothers’ actually being a sister? She can only hope. She’s seen groups that ostracize a member, don’t let them in close anymore. She’s seen the poorly-concealed sadness in their eyes that makeup can’t hide, and the forced fanservice that only desperate fans can believe. God, if she were to become one of those-

Stress ties her stomach in knots, and her reddened eyes itch from crying into her pillow. The anxiety that was supposed to disappear when she came out to EXO is still going strong. She tosses and turns, trying to find a comfortable spot on her mattress. Normally, she would just go to Joonmyeon’s room and sleep in his large bed, the elder like a mother to him. There’s no question that tonight, it’s not an option.

She rolls over again, staring at the thin sliver of light that peeks out under the doorframe. Surprisingly, there are two shadows in it, two feet standing outside her door. Watching the door, Sehun tries to quietly make herself look more presentable, like she wasn’t just crying her eyes out. Finally, there’s a timid, soft knock on the door, and Chanyeol peeks his head in. She sits up slowly, feigning sleepiness as he whispers across the room. “Can I come in?”

Unsure of what he could want, Sehun cautiously nods, making space on her bed for Chanyeol to sit down. He sneaks into the room like he’s doing something illegal, tiptoeing in on socked feet and shutting the door as slowly as possible so the latch doesn’t even click. Picking his way through Jongin’s and her own scattered belongings, he sits down, uncomfortably close. Sehun furrows her brow, put off. Chanyeol normally crashes though the apartment in the night like a bull, tripping into things and humming to himself cheerfully in his deep voice as he gets a midnight snack or uses the bathroom. His sneaky behavior is something Sehun’s never seen, and it’s more than a little unnerving, especially in her anxious state. Sehun frowns, before facing Chanyeol and whispering, “What’s going on?”

“Everyone’s asleep.” Chanyeol whispers back, eyes shiftily looking Sehun up and down, as if that’s an explanation for his weird behavior. “I, um,” As if he’s psyching himself up for a performance, he takes a deep breath, before sliding one hand down to grab her ass and the other to hold the back of her head, crashing his lips onto her own and knocking teeth in a desperate kiss.

Sputtering, Sehun shoves Chanyeol away while his hands try to cling to her like glue, nearly knocking him off the bed.

“Full offense, what the actual _fuck?!”_ She whisper-screams, glaring her hardest at the man. She’s absolutely livid. How could he violate her trust like that?! An elder, putting his hands on the younger when she _clearly_ is in distress?! Is he one of those straight men who thinks he’s the one who can turn a gay girl straight? Or is he really that horrible, really that violent that he would try to- ugh. She can’t think of it.

However, after looking at his silent face, some of her anger dissipates; Chanyeol looks lost, crushed. He stares down at the wrinkled bedsheets, cussing himself out. His head shakes and his shoulders are collapsed defeatedly. What could he have been thinking?

She gives him a second, using the time as well to gather herself together, calm down just a bit. Finally, she asks, none too tenderly, “Why would you _do_ that?”

Taking a shuddering breath in, he stutters out, “You said- you said that you’re gay, like, when you explained yourself, and-and- and I know what goes on when gays are in a group and I just thought that you- that I- I thought- I don’t know what I thought. I’m sorry-”

Chanyeol... What? Sehun tries to process the scattered information, picking apart Chanyeol’s words. Obviously, he’s misunderstood what she meant when she said she was gay; he thinks that she’s a gay _man_ still, not able to see past the fact that she’s transgender. Or maybe he’s confusing her for a drag queen? Often, drag queens are gay men, so that could be plausible. But, as well, she has to take in account the other part: Chanyeol is gay. He’s gay, and trying to come to terms with it, and looking for release in someone who he thinks is just like him, someone he knows well and trusts. It’s not uncommon in the worlds of boy and girl groups, certain members seeking comfort in each other’s arms. There are rumors, of course, but there never is and never will be any confirmation. Sometimes these relationships are casual fucks, sometimes they’re legitimate. It’s nothing that can ever come to light, though, and the depressing realization of that fact can sometimes drive them apart in the end.

Sehun begins to feel something like pity bloom in her chest. Despite Chanyeol’s weird entrance, as she’ll call it, Sehun really does feel for the guy. If she heard someone expressing their place on the LGBT spectrum to the group then she would probably be covertly trying to find help from them too.

At her lack of response, Chanyeol stands up to leave, attempting to move to the door, but Sehun is quick to grab his wrist, yanking the man back onto her bed. He won’t get away that easily.

“You’re doing some explaining first.” She demands. Chanyeol stares at her, looking like a kid that’s being forced to tell how the dog could have gained a bald patch while the parents weren’t looking. All guilt, no escape.

“I- You-” Chanyeol stutters, frantically looking around, “You said you’re gay-”

“And you’re gay too.” She cuts off his repetition, and Chanyeol frustratedly throws his hands up. “So you thought that we could be like the others, and f-”

“I’m not gay! I’m not-!” His voice pushes the line between whisper-yelling and yelling-yelling.

“So why did you try to get with me?” Sehun simply asks. The pity takes over more and more. Chanyeol can’t even admit it to himself?

“I swear to God, Sehun, if you say anything-!”

“You know I won’t.” She calmly grabs his hand. Chanyeol looks down at it in something like surprise. “I’m here to talk if you ever need to, but I’m a _lesbian_ . _I’m not going to fuck you_.”

He forces out a laugh. “I’‘ll- Yeah, lesbian, okay. What? No, okay uh. I’ll try- I’ll talk to you sometime...But?”

Sehun feels some anxiety well up, just from Chanyeol’s tone. She can’t quite interpret it, but the sound of it has her worried. “But?”

“How did you do it?” Chanyeol asks. “How did you decide to come out like that?”

Sehun laughs a little bit, a crying, surprised laugh, covering her mouth when it gets a little loud. “Honestly, Yeol, I didn’t. I was just tense and tired and I’d had a weird day around my body and with the box and the bras... it just came out?”

Chanyeol nods, looking at his hands and pressing his lips together. “Yeah, uh, okay...”

Soon after, he tip-toes back to his own room, and Sehun is left in silence again.

‘What a night’ is all she can think, and it’s true. She doesn’t know how she’s survived this emotional rollercoaster that’s ended up with a lot of crying and anxiety on her end, but what matters is that she’s through with it, and she’s lived, and as her mother’s always said- tomorrow is a new day, and you can decide what to do with it.

Tomorrow will be better.

 

\---

Tomorrow is not better.

The morning starts at around five, and nearly everyone looks exhausted. Kyungsoo and Yixing have a magic thing where they never seem to look that tired, but that’s them. Inside, all nine of EXO are probably dying. Even the manager notices, and when he asks Joonmyeon if everyone had a wild night, the only thing the leader can do is laugh dryly and reply, ‘something like that.’

Sehun and her coming out doesn’t come up in the conversation at any point, and she’s glad. There’s not a time during the day that the nine aren’t around prying eyes and listening ears, so although it’s anxiety-provoking not to test the waters the day after she’s come out, Sehun’s glad that there’s no apparent risk to her confidentiality.

She’s all the way in the back of the van this morning, shoved in between sleeping Jongdae and Kyungsoo doing... whatever it is he does on his phone in the morning. He’s got his brightness down low enough that no one else can see. It’s been a topic of great and lengthy discussion, actually, what goes on over that screen. Baekhyun ever swears he sees Kyungsoo giggle at it from time to time.

Baekhyun. Sehun is still puzzled about what could have elicited such a violent response from the other. Baekhyun, of all people. Sehun and Baekhyun are close. They’ve talked about some sketchy things together, drunk and sober. Nothing Baekhyun’s ever said has ever even been close to the strong, oppositional response he’d given Sehun. For a while up until then, Sehun’s thought that Baekhyun might be gay, or even questioning his gender.

Well, there goes that theory.

Sehun wonders how she could ever get back on friendly terms with him. She’s texted him a few times this morning, staring at the back of his head just a row in front of her. She’s watched him open, ignore, and delete each message. He’s _really_ upset.

Sehun’s phone lights up with her own message.

 

Kyungsoo: I support you. Just tell me how.

 

Sehun opens her mouth to speak to Kyungsoo, already smiling and teary-eyed, and he furiously types out and sends:

 

Kyungsoo: I swear to God if you make a scene.

 

Message taken. Sehun tries to conceal her happiness, and despite Kyungsoo’s reluctance, and the tightness of the back row, she manages to maneuver herself so that her arm gives him a half-hug, squeezing tightly.

Better than anything to fix the morning.

 

\---

 

The day is again filled with dance, a sweaty endeavor in a room that is always too hot despite the AC because of the endless moving bodies and heavy breaths. It’s only made bearable by the sports bra that Sehun wears under her shirt, a private little secret that only she knows about.

Well, the boys know about the bra. But maybe not that she’s wearing it right now? Either way, it feels like a secret that she can be proud of.

The black, stretchy contraption had taken a moment to figure out, even if it was a simple, zip-in-the-front type deal. It was new! Eventually though, she got it, and felt a rush of emotion pass over her.

What had she even felt in the moment? Even now, Sehun can’t name it. A mix of pride and hope, maybe, some uncertainty and relief all packed together. She was so excited for the future, to see her nearly nonexistent breasts grow more womanly, to see the sharp angles of her body even out at least a little bit. And anticipatory- she couldn’t wait to see what would happen for her, what the world could possibly have in store for someone like Sehun. The situation with the band was rocky, and the bra seemed to point out the differences in her that had caused the commotion. But as well, the bra highlighted that Sehun was becoming the woman she desperately needed to be.

A mixed blessing, it was.

Practice crawls by for Sehun, made complicated by the fact that there are more eyes on her than usual when she dances. She doesn’t pretend she can’t see it- the boys are looking at her. Scrutinizing. Trying to find something in her body that could indicate femininity, trying to find something that could prove her words in saying she is a woman. Minseok even trips over himself doing this. It’s actually pretty funny, how his attention was on Sehun more than it should have been to properly dance his part.

Finally, like a savior, the manager comes in and notifies the group that it’s break, and they can all go for a (light, can’t be looking to chubby in the music video) lunch. Several of the boys collapse onto the floor dramatically, sweaty bodies piled on top of each other and limbs splayed everywhere.

Sehun ends up loitering in the corner of the room, on her phone instead of playing around like she would normally. She still feels like a bit of a pariah, and may be self-inflicting her isolation, but still, play it safe. Quickly, she swallows down her emotions and checks her messages. She knows she’s got some answering to do with Hwayeon, whose messages from last night _and_ this morning Sehun hasn’t yet gotten to reply to.

Yesterday-

Hwayeonnie: hunnie, hows ur night ? i'm gonna have a romantic ;) movie with kwangsuk so text me now

Hwayeonnie: he fell asleep gdi

Hwayeonnie: im bored sehun entertain me

Hwayeonnie: huuuuuuuuuuuuun

Hwayeonnie: ok babe you better be sleeping and not ignoring me im tellign u-

Hwayeonnie: goodnight honey talk to me tomorrow

 

Today-

Hwayeonnie: sehunsehunsehun

Hwayeonnie: sehun

Hwayeonnie: stop ignoring me i know with those goddamn schedules ur awake by now

Hwayeonnie: ...are you okay?

 

Oh shit. Hwayeon sometimes is so needy, always wanting a reply the second she sends a text. But really, Sehun shouldn’t have ignored her this morning- she was just still a little stressed. Ha, ‘little.’

 

Sehun: i came out to them...

 

Hwayeon takes a moment to respond, but when she does, oh boy...

 

Hwayeonnie: lol nah

Hwayeonnie: sehun shut up

Hwayeonnie: no way

Hwayeonnie: omg bitch no

Hwayeonnie: holy shit baby yes yes yES

Hwayeonnie: SEHUN MY BABY IM GOING TO CRY

Hwayeonnie: IM TELLING KWANGSUK WERE THROWING YOU A PARTY TONIGHT

Hwayeonnie: I LOVE YOU THIS IS SO BRAVE

Hwayeonnie: FUUUUCK SEHUN IM SO PROUD HOW DID YOU DO IT WAS IT THE BRAS

Hwayeonnie: TELL ME EVERYTHING

 

Sehun laughs at her phone screen, covering her mouth a little when attention is drawn to her.

 

Sehun: god i have so much to tell you

Sehun: unnie it was so weird they were so mean about opening the box in front of them and i jsut ?

Sehun: i got mad and screamed about my bra and chanyeol tried to hook up with me and baekhyun got mad and joonmyeon cried and and and

Sehun: shit how do i say it all

Hwayeonnie: slow your roll what about chanyeol

Sehun: o shit rite

Sehun: i think hes gay ??? after i came out he came into my room thinking i was like a gay man drag queen or some shit like that

Sehun: nd he tried to get w me ???

Sehun: he was v strong about not being gay tho so idk

Hwayeonnie: sounds gay to me

Hwayeonnie: tell me more what about baekhyun i thought he was gay too

Hwayeonnie: in fact u told me you thought he was gay

Hwayeonnie: so what. is this. did he hurt u ??? emotionally ???

Sehun: not too badly

Sehun: he just said some things about me being sick in the head and it was all v weird

Sehun: it seemed almost ??? forced ???

Sehun: even tho hes got an acting thing coming up hes still a pretty shitty actor

Sehun: so i dont know whats up with him

Hwayeonnie: aw that sucks hunnie im so sorry

Hwayeonnie: but was everyone else ok?

Sehun: in a way

Sehun: i really gotta just tell u in person i cant explain nd i cant call bc no privacy here

Sehun: as mean as it is i gotta just tell u tonight

Sehun: love u?

Hwayeonnie: fuckin bully

Hwayeonnie: ten pm. love u.

 

Sehun’s still staring at her phone screen when Jongin calls her name.

“Sehun... Hellooooo... You there?”

Shaking her head, she nods yes and rubs her eye. “Sorry, what? What’s going on?”

“We’re going to sneak to the fried chicken place down the street. Let’s go.” Jongin is smiling, and behind him, the rest of the group is waiting. Some of them mirror his inviting expression, while others just don’t seem to care too much or are staring at their phones. What Sehun was so worried about, not being included, seems to have been called out of question. The group still wants her. She’s still valued. They’re not going to leave her here, not going to sneak away while she’s in the bathroom. Even though the gesture is them _not_ doing something rather then them doing a favor, Sehun is still touched. Grinning, she accepts Jongin’s offer.

 

\---

 

Sehun always feels uncomfortable sneaking out of the dorms more than practice, especially with makeup, a long, pink dress, lacy blue bra, and soft pink converse packed up into her backpack. She hasn’t had the nerve yet to buy underwear, but some of her briefs tend to cross the line between twink-y and girly. So that’s enough, for now. But that’s not the point. She’s sneaking out of the dorms yet again, like some kid jumping out the first story window to go get drunk with her friends. It always makes her feel a little dirty, because Kyungsoo is cooking dinner and Jongin wants to play a videogame with her... But she has to stay strong. Has to talk to Hwayeon and wear her clothes, her new bra... No matter how hard it is.

She manages to get out of Joonmyeon’s protective control by wheedling for some alone time, some space to go meet ‘friends.’ (“Sehun we’re your only friends c’mon.”) Eventually she’s just straight up, and says she’s going to go see someone related to her transition, and that shuts the whole house up, not just Joonmyeon. She slips out easily in their silence.

It’s still hard, she thinks. The house is still used to her being a boy, and still looking masculine enough, it’s easy to forget the words that Sehun came out with the night prior. Easy to fall back into the thinking, ‘okay, everything’s okay. Sehun’s our boy and he’s still looking like one, nothing’s wrong.’ She expected as much. She doesn’t really know what to do about it, how to make people that have seen her as masculine for so long finally see her as the woman she is. Especially so early in her transition. Sure, she could walk out of her room one day in a bra and panties, but this is not the universe where that reality would actually happen.

Somehow, Sehun has to get the boys to see her as real.

These thoughts trouble her as she rides the subway to reach Hwayeon and Kwangsuk’s apartment, and she almost doesn’t notice the shorter, smaller girls around her being not-so-sly in taking their pictures. She should be used to it by now, but she’s not. It seems so strange to her that people can be so obsessed, take pictures of their idols rather than try to strike up a casual conversation. It seems... fake... at times, when concerts are about having phones shoved in her face rather than touching hands and smiling at the eyes of fans close to the stage.

They crowd in a little bit, asking for selfies and all their little questions, ‘oppa, have you eaten? oppa, where are you going? oppa, I love you!’ and for a while, she indulges. She halfheartedly takes pictures, putting on the perfect, happy mask the idol industry has trained her in. She answers questions as vaguely as possible, and ignores any sudden ‘presents’ that are just whatever the girls found in their handbags. Eventually, though, it gets to be too much. Sehun is already high-strung and bone tired, a combination she’s used to dealing with but never will feel right doing. The fans seem to crowd in, claustrophobic, and Sehun feels the anxiety come on. They pull at her backpack and her clothes and that’s enough she’s had it-

“Please stop.” She asks, asserting herself loudly, but not loud enough to be yelling. Some back off, but the persistent ones, the ones touching her, stay, latched on like parasites. “Please stop!” She can’t lay hands on them. That will look bad, and they’re vidoetaping from away. Some stay on her, and they’re close to getting her backpack open and what they’ll find-

“Please. Stop!” She grinds out, and, with her walkway clear, starts moving. Her long strides have the other girls jogging and stumbling, and eventually she’s out the door and at her destination.

She jogs all the way to Hwayeon’s, and pulls her hood up and sunglasses on for good measure. No one seems to be following her, so she ducks inside the lobby and pulls out her elevator key, pushing the button for the fourth floor.

The elevator is blissfully empty, and Sehun heaves a sigh of relief. She swings off her backpack to check it, and with dread curling in her stomach, realizes it’s open.

Oh thank fuck. Nothing is missing, not that she can tell. If press got out that Sehun had a dress in her bag, or God forbid, a bra, that would be the end of her. Dating rumors, hook up rumors, nothing is out of the question. Fans, news- they’re vicious.

The elevator dings, and Sehun practically sprints to Hwayeon’s door, which is already unlocked because she has some extrasensory perception of exactly when Sehun’s already in the building. The apartment feels like home- she’s spent so many hours there that it practically is. Any time Sehun can steal between her schedules, she’s with Hwayeon. She wonders sometimes if Hwayeon minds the type of shut-in Sehun turns her into when she’s around, but then Hwayeon holds Sehun’s hand, or smiles up close at her, and Sehun knows it’s okay.

Kwangsuk is in the kitchen when Sehun comes in, cooking something delicious as usual. He smiles and waves at her, wearing one of the cute, heart-shaped aprons that Sehun bought Hwayeon a few years ago. His hair is a mess on his head, and he looks like Hwayeon’s been experimenting with makeup on him again. Kwangsuk’s a pretty great guy- obviously, if he’s with Hwayeon he has to be the best. But other than being her best ally in the world, he’s an amazing cook, hilarious to be around, and he shows so much care to Hwayeon. He dotes on her in the best way, giving her all the love in the world she deserves. (Hwayeon says he’s great in bed too.)

“Sehun, what’s up! Congratulations!” He yells over the hissing and popping of the food. It looks like he’s cooking Indian curry tonight, smells like it too. Sehun’s excited to eat whatever he makes, but she _really_ likes his curry. “Hwayeon’s in the shower right now. Wanna taste?”

“Thank you! And _hell_ yeah I do.” Sehun locks the door behind her, and tosses her bag on the couch in the living room. Kwangsuk holds out a spoon and Sehun leans over to blow on it. It’s fucking amazing, as always.

“Goddamn man, I’m about to be all over that shit when you’re done.” Sehun fake swoons, and Kwangsuk laughs.

“Thank you, thank you,” He curtsies, and then a loud pop of the boiling sauce gets him on the hand. He screams like a baby, and Sehun laughs again, at his expense. Kwangsuk falls to the floor, finger in his mouth and spoon on the tile next to him.

Grabbing ice, Sehun squats next to the man and holds out her hand, which he promptly gives so she can ice it. “Y’know,” She comments, “If Hwayeon didn’t already have you, I might have gone straight for you.”

And it‘s true- Kwangsuk is, as stated, and amazing person. Cute as hell, too.

“I’m honored.” He quickly drops his pouty act, and stands back up to cook and wash his dirtied spoon. Nothing like a little flattery to put someone, especially Kwangsuk, back to work.

A door slams and then Hwayeon appears in the kitchen, all six glorious feet of her wearing a beautiful lavender robe that Kwangsuk must have bought for her. “Sehun!” She rushes to hug her friend, and Sehun relaxes into the embrace.

She’s home.

 

\---

 

“So, did you bring your clothes?”

Sehun and Hwayeon are lounged across Hwayeon’s bed, long limbs flying everywhere as always. Sehun is still in her street clothes, she realizes with excitement- she can show Hwayeon the new bra!

“Yeah!” She grunts as she untangles herself and jumps off the bed. She runs to the living room and grabs her bag, quickly disturbing Kwangsuk as he watches some girly little drama that he’s into. Ripping back into Hwayeon’s room, she slams the bathroom door and quickly pulls her clothing out. Taking off her shirt, she takes a minute to look in the mirror across from her. The white light of the bathroom makes her skin pale, almost white. She’s beginning to be able to see where her pecs end and her breasts begin- they’re soft, and small, but they’re there. Tenderly, curiously, she cups one of them in her hand. There’s just enough to hold in her palm, and the minute she makes contact, she breathes in sharply- this is a new feeling, the sensitivity.

The feel of Sehun’s breast under her hand is indescribable. It’s something that’s finally _there._ Something that proves the evidence of her transition, something that tells her she’s not doing all this in vain. It’s something female about her body. In the mirror, through Sehun’s eyes, her shoulder slowly become smaller, her breasts more pronounced, her collarbones not as sharp. She looks soft, feminine. She slips on her bralette and stares again. She likes the way it looks, she decides.

Prepared, she wears almost matching briefs today, light blue. Taking off her pants, she shivers slightly- the air in the room is warm, but still, she‘s in her underwear. Not looking yet, Sehun sits on the toilet, trying something Hwayeon‘s told her about, but she‘s never done herself. Curiously, without looking down, she slides a hand behind her to gently push her testes up to where they descended from when she went though puberty. At first, it makes her feel lightheaded. Not good. So, readjusting, she tries again. Up up up, and her scrotum is loose. She wraps it with her flaccid penis, and then pulls it all backwards, between her legs. Knowing Hwayeon’s bathroom has a medical cabinet, she waddles over and searches out some medical tape. Finding it after a brief moment of panic, she tapes up herself up and slides her underwear back on. She pulls on the tiny, almost speedo-style briefs to make them tight against her front, and molds it into a half-thong in the back. It’s a new feeling to her, tucking. New, but not necessarily bad. She can’t see her bottom half in the mirror, but looking down, it looks pretty flat.

Bracing herself, she walks out into Hwayeon’s bedroom.  

“You look amazing Sehun!” Hwayeon is practically vibrating with excitement. She sniffles a little bit. “Look at you baby! Look in my mirror look look look-”

She pulls Sehun over to her full-length mirror, a skinny thing on a stand that also functions as a little clothes hanger.

Sehun’s jaw drops. Hwayeon is behind her, loudly babbling about Sehun, but she can’t hear it. Blood rushes in her ears as she stares at herself.

She’s perfect.

Beautiful, stunning, pretty, gorgeous- everything. Her smooth white skin looks ceramic, unchipped under the white light of the room and delicately covered by lace, blue fabric. Her breasts are held up by the bra, making her chest look less like fatty pectorals and more like a woman’s, small little things peeking out of the bra, its sheerness showing some of her nipple through it. And her lower half... It almost brings tears to her eyes. Okay, it does- she’s crying. It’s flat, and feminine, and... perfect. Sehun admires her butt too, staring at it in the thongy-looking underwear and giving it a good slap, giggling.

She looks over at Hwayeon then, and her face dissolves into tears. Hwayeon is crying, smiling like a proud mother and weeping. Her hands are clasped over her chest and her shoulders heave. Sehun rushes to hug her and the women stand like that, tightly embracing and tearfully laughing, forever.

“Sehun baby you look so good.” Hwayeon sniffles. “You really do.” She pulls away, looking down at Sehun’s body. “Look at you! Look at you! Sehun you’re so beautiful I feel so gay holy shit.” She kisses Sehun’s cheeks, now really acting like a mother.

Sehun smiles, laughing with tearstains on her face. “I know, I know.”

She ends up putting on her dress and shoes too, after much more admiring in the mirror. She feels soft in this outfit, with her baby blue bra straps showing out of the low, loose neck of the t-shirt style dress. Hwayeon does light makeup on her, looking almost natural except for a pile of highlight. They take selfie after selfie, body shots, face shots, even some underwear pics. Hwayeon wants Sehun to take a nude, at least of her torso, but Sehun doesn’t think she’s ready for that. So instead, Hwayeon convinces Sehun to strut down the hallway a little bit, showing off for the security cameras and ‘working on her model walk.’

Something has gone so right tonight, and nothing can bring her down, not even telling Hwayeon about her coming out story. She sees it as solvable now, something that’s fixable and will keep EXO intact. It’s not as heavy as she thinks it is. Time will pass. She’ll talk to Baekhyun. She’ll be okay. The lightness of her discovery of more of her femininity has her high, and sometimes the best ideas come from high places.

 

\---

 

Eventually, Sehun has to go back. It’s one a.m. and she’s exhausted, Hwayeon’s dead walking, and Kwangsuk is asleep on the couch. They’ve eaten their curry and cleaned the dishes and spent hours talking, debating over the best way to solve Sehun’s problems and thanking God for the positives she has. It’s been an amazing night, but all good things come to an end. It’s natural, and Sehun is okay with it.

When she slips back into her street clothes, she leaves herself tucked, and leaves the bra on. She’s not ready to let go of the feeling, not yet.

“You look so much better in a dress, girlie.” Hwayeon stands by the elevator with Sehun. “Let’s see you wearing one on TV, okay?”

Sehun looks up, then back at Hwayeon, smiling. “One day.”

They kiss on the cheek goodbye, and Sehun walks home.

She doesn’t feel like taking the subway tonight- it smells bad, the light is too harsh, and she wants to avoid the warm, stale air that lives underground. She wants to breathe in the night, experience the kind of weird, eccentric people that end up in the streets at this hour. She brushes by the typical groups of bar goers, drunk out of their minds and desperately hailing taxis. Homeless people sleep in sheltered corners, or wander the streets. She passes a man screaming, calling out to God.

She passes by empty parks, empty buildings. The night air feels cool on her skin. Something about walking around so late at night has her feeling on top of the world, invincible. It’s like she’s queen of a different world, an empty, dark kingdom, full of possibility. Here, in the night, she can be whoever she wants. She doesn’t have to be Sehun, of EXO, she can be Sehun, the tall woman in tomboy clothes. She’s sad to get back to the apartment, back to the real world. It seems small, too hot, too bright when her world was so endless before.

The main room is half full when she returns, Minseok, Yixing, Joonmyeon and Kyungsoo having gone already to bed. Jongdae, Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Jongin are watching a movie, and it must be horror because the minute Sehun pops her face out of the dark hallway into the room, all four scream, and a bowl of popcorn almost falls over.

They pause, and the lights come on. Sehun’s suddenly aware of how she hasn’t taken her makeup off, how she’s still wearing the bra and how visible it makes her breasts. Her shoulders collapse, slump hiding them.

“Wait- Sehun-” Jongin looks at her, scrutinizing. “ Don’t hunch... What- what’re you...”

Tensing herself, fight or flight response flaring, she slowly rolls her shoulders back. She doesn’t know if she should be proud or afraid of how everyone’s jaw but Baekhyun drops. Said man is already up, escaping to his room and shutting the door. The remainder all continue to stare, fisheyed.

“Yeah.” She mumbles. “I have boobs.”

They’re all silent. Chanyeol touches his own chest, as if he too would suddenly have breasts. Jongin looks up like a lost kid. “...How?”

Sehun is uncomfortable. “I- well- I grew them. Homegrown. Yeah... Organic... boobs...”

“Homegrown...” Jongdae starts laughing. “Organic, sustainable, _homegrown_ boobs!”

That sets off the rest of them laughing almost loud enough to wake the others up. It’s all just hysterical to them, but two a.m. makes everything funny. An annoyed grunt, probably from Kyungsoo in his room, sobers them, however. The boys look at Sehun; Sehun looks at the boys.

“Do you... go somewhere to perform?” Jongdae asks, picking out his words slowly. “Or is that offensive I don’t know-”

“No, you’re fine.” Sehun waves her hand. “I’m not a drag queen, and I don’t perform. I just go to a friends place. I dress up there.”

“So you wear women’s clothes?” He asks again.

Sehun shakes her head. “I wear _my_ clothes.”

Chanyeol leans in, face honestly interested. “Can we see?”

Can they see. _Can_ they see? Sehun has to consider the question she has the stuff out already, right here. But... what if? What if someone doesn’t like what they see? What if it’s too much? What if this drives her out of the circle?

Sensing her hesitation, Jongin holds her hand. “We won’t laugh.” His face is absolute. She can trust them. Jongin would not be saying this if she couldn’t. Sehun knows him.

Slowly, she nods her head.

Changing back into the clothes in her room gives her an entirely new feeling- this time, it’s all nerves, rather than excitement. Well, she supposes she’s excited- excited to see if this finally conveys to these three boys that she’s a female, that they should respect the decision she’s devoted her life to. And nothing can beat the incredibly happy feeling she gets when she wears those clothes, gets to go around in clothing that actually makes her feel _right._

Even if she goes at a snail’s pace, she still has to go out there at some point. Slowly, Sehun twists the doorknob of her room, poking her head out. “I’ve changed...” She says weakly. “In, uh, in more ways than one.” It’s a shitty joke, and it doesn’t land in the anticipatory silence of the room.

This is it. Bracing herself, she steps out into the main room.

She doesn’t know if she’s proud or worried of the way the boys are silent. Again, they look shocked, shaken down to their core. And they realistically could be. Here’s someone they’ve trained with for years, someone they’ve always seen as a pretty masculine male, wearing a bra, dress, and makeup right in front of them. This male even has real breasts! It’s enough to shock anyone.

Chanyeol clears his throat, and the sound seems to bring all three boys to attention.

“You look- you look good.”

The words break the silence. Jongdae is up in an instant, cooing over Sehun and holding her hand excitedly. She’s talking about all sorts of things, how she’s beautiful, how she looks like a woman, how she’s brave. Sehun hears it, but only partially. Beyond Chanyeol’s hugging, Jongdae’s cheering, she looks for Jongin.

He’s watching, standing with his arms crossed, leaning back.

And smiling from ear to ear.

For the second time in the night, Sehun feels tears come to her eyes.

 

\---

 

_Sehun’s at a fanmeet, dressed in a beautiful gown and made up to look like a princess._

_She doesn’t feel like one._

_Fans push at the barriers, screaming and crying. Their faces are twisted into ugly masks of sadness and fury. They reach for Sehun with their claw-like hands, tearing, grabbing at air. They shout awful things. “Sehun, why?! Sehun, you’re sick! Sehun, you’ll never be a woman! Is this a prank? You must be messed up in the head! Look at you, a man wearing a dress! Ugly. Ugly! You’ll never. Be. Real!”_

_Sehun’s heart falls to pieces, shattered and waiting to be swept up from the floor and carried to the garbage. She hunches over, crying and smearing makeup over her face, looking like some sort of sick monster._

_And then, the boys come up behind her. Their faces are angry, they look, for the first time in her life, like they really want to hurt her. That they will hurt her. Jongin and Joonmyeon grab her by each arm, hauling her to her feet. Their words hiss in Sehun’s ears._

_“You’ve ruined us. We’re over. This is all you, Sehun. Why would you do this to us?! Your sick fantasy should never have come to the light! You. Aren’t. Real.”_

_Crying harder, Sehun’s chest caves in and she slumps forward. Someone grabs her ankles, lifts her into the air. Laughing evilly, all eight of the boys tear her dress off, ripping it to shreds. She’s exposed in her underwear, pale and nearly naked and so, so vulnerable._

_They throw her to the crowd. Screams deafen her ears. Hands claw at her body. Spiteful, angry kicks land all over her, bruising and breaking her. Someone’s hands are at her throat. She struggles and struggles but they hold her in an iron grip. Her vision starts to go, getting fuzzy, spotty. She breathes out slowly, and fades to black-_

 

Sehun wakes up crying, her chest heaving up and down and body covered in a sheen of sweat.

It it’s terrible. The nightmare- it felt so real. So, so real. Her perception of everything has changed for the worst- what if the boys really do hate her, what if she really is in danger? What if... what if she’s been outed?

Hands shaking, Sehun hurriedly finds her phone, and with the bright light of the screen blinding her, she types out, ‘EXO Sehun Transgender’

Nothing.

Sweet, blissful nothing.

She slumps back into her bed, dropping her phone at her side.

God, that was horrible.

Going back to her own habits as usual, Sehun throws on a loose tee instead of the sweaty one that had clung to her body disgustingly. Underneath, she’s naked but for her briefs, but she knows Joonmyeon doesn’t mind. He never does. All he cares about is the fact that Sehun is scared, and it’s his job to help her back to sleep.

And he always does.

Sehun creeps through the hall of the apartment, quietly shutting her door and opening Joonmyeon’s. The sliver of light falls on Minseok’s bed, but thankfully, the oldest is sleeping, even snoring a little bit. Tiptoeing over to Joonmyeon’s bed, Sehun slowly lifts the huge duvet and slides under, trying to be the little spoon even though she’s much taller. Snorting awake, he stares at her for a moment, before his face softens into a loving smile. He scoots over against the wall and makes room for her, lifting his arm so she can lay on her side under it. She presses her back against Joonmyeon’s chest and sighs.

Dropping the duvet and his arm, he accidentally lands on Sehun’s breasts. She hisses at the painful contact, and Joonmyeon stiffens.

Here it is. Here’s where she gets kicked out.

Instead, he whispers and apology, and moves his hand lower so it hugs over her high waist. He shifts so his head is in the crook of Sehun’s shoulder and quietly says,

“I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you...”

Sehun opens her mouth to interrupt, to say it's okay, but the elder shushes her.

“It _has_ been. No matter what lie you were about to tell me.” He sighs, and pulls Sehun in tighter. “We all love you, so much Sehun. We really do. And that’s why it’s so hard for some. It might seem to us like too much change, too suddenly. But really, we all love you endlessly. Everyone will come around, I promise. We’ll work on this together...”

Sniffling a little, Sehun soaks in his words. “Thank you. Thank you so much... Oppa.”

Joonmyeon laughs a little bit, probably surprised at not only receiving an honorific from Sehun, but having it be that version of it instead.

“You’re welcome, Sehun. _We_ love you... _I_ love you. Goodnight.”

Sehun smiles to herself as Joonmyeon already begins to drift off. He’s so amazing. Sometimes, she can see he gets down. There’s so much on his shoulders, being leader, a father figure, and attempting to control such rowdy kids. Sometimes he feels like a wallet and a nag is all they see of him. But they don’t. Everyone loves Joonmyeon, Sehun especially. He’s this... perfect, beautiful mix of a mother and father. So doting and caring, and also a role model to look up to, someone to copy in his endless smiles, terrible jokes, and weirdly, unintentionally funny way he goes about his life.

He’s loving. And that’s all that matters.

Sehun falls asleep in his arms easier than anywhere else in the world.

 

\---

 

She wakes up practically glued to Joonmyeon, and slowly extricates herself without waking the elder up. They don’t have a schedule until the night- the choreographer can’t make it and the managers bargained for it to be a break day, so Sehun really makes sure that Joonmyeon can get some sleep. He needs in more than anyone.

In the main room, Yixing is on a chair in the corner absently playing on his guitar, creating random chords and progressions that don’t really lead to anything. He’s in his own space. Chanyeol and Jongin are on the couch, playing what looks to be a scary game on the TV and eating leftovers from last night. It smells like Kyungsoo cooked fried rice, and Sehun really wants to get in on that.

“Baekhyun and Jongdae are sleeping.” Chanyeol grunts out as he maneuvers through something difficult. Jongin watches intensely, shoveling rice into his mouth and occasionally into Chanyeol’s.

“So’r they.” Sehun hooks a thumb over her shoulder to point to Joonmyeon and Minseok’s room. “Being quiet for once?”

“Magically,” Jongin replies, “Yes.”

“We’re playing Outlast.” Chanyeol pats the couch next to him, inviting Sehun to sit down. She does, and instantly notices something Chanyeol isn’t paying attention to. “Oh fuck dude that big fat guy is coming towards you!” She tries not to be loud, but shit, this game is scary and it’s already sucked her in.

“Shit the big one!” Jongin snatches the controller and makes the main character hightail it to a locker, where he hides. The monster makes it into the room just after Jongin does, and peers into the locker vents. For one terrifying second, he makes eye contact with the screen. And then--- fuck yeah he moves on.

“Damn boys,” Sehun takes the bowl of rice Jongin almost spilled on the table in his haste. “Why the hell are you subjecting yourselves to this?”

Chanyeol opens his mouth like a baby bird as Jongin continues to play. Making a facial expression to express her distaste, Sehun feeds him some of the food.

“Masochism.” Jongin replies, sending her a wink. Sehun mimes gagging. “What’re you doing today? Seeing your friend?”

His voice sounds encouraging, but slightly jealous. Sehun knows Jongin- she can have friends other than Jongin, but she has to love him the most. That’s just how he is. So, knowing that Hwayeon is out doing some LGBT support group today, Sehun cheerily replies, “Nope! Spending the day with you guys!”

“Ahh, great! Baekhyun, Chanyeol and I were planning to head out and go shopping later, at like nine. Wanna come?” Jongin asks. Chanyeol cuts in, mouth full.

“You gotta talk to Baek. He’s awake, just holed up in there on his phone. Jongdae’s not though. Be quiet.”

Fuck.

“Right, yeah, okay...” Sehun bites her lip, staring at nothing as she thinks. “How should I do this?”

She looks to Chanyeol, who’s used to being around his close friend during some temper tantrums. He just shrugs. “Beats me. Usually I just listen to him, let him get out his anger, and then talk like a rational human being. Easy, if you can stand some insults.”

“For sure...” Sehun puts down the rice, and leaves the two to their game. She might have waved goodbye to Yixing, like a soldier going into battle, but he’s lost in his own world, face blanked out and staring out the tall window as he continues to strum. “Right. I’m off.”

Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae’s room is the closest one to the living room, sharing a wall with the kitchen area. The door seems miles away but also incredibly close. With a great sense of dread, Sehun slowly opens the door. Baekhyun is in bed, like Chanyeol said, and is facing away, towards the wall, curled up with his phone screen illuminating the dark room. He’s unaware that Sehun, rather than Chanyeol, is in the room.

“That’s bright stop it...” He whines. Such a princess.

Sehun breathes deep. “Sorry.”

Baekhyun is rolled over and sitting up immediately. His blanket is wrapped around him, over his head like a hood. “Why are you here. I’ve made my opinion clear.”

“That’s what I want to talk about.” Sehun says, and Baekhyun’s eyes narrow. Tentatively, she sits down on the other end of the bed. “Can you tell me...” She thinks for a moment, choosing her words carefully. “Can you tell me what I’ve done to you?”

Baekhyun is at a loss for a moment. For once, he doesn’t have something to say.

“I think you don’t hate me.”

“I- I do!” Baekhyun stutters, responding quickly to that one. “I think it’s sick how you think you’re going to be accepted in the world. You’ll always be just a man in a dress.”

Sehun flinches. “But I won’t, and I’m not. I... I’m on women’s hormones. And I plan to have both surgeries after... Maybe after enlistment. Maybe before, because I’m already... I already have some changes... I’m not... I guess I’m not male _or_ female yet, at least not to the world.” She explains, again choosing her words carefully. She doesn’t want to overwhelm Baekhyun, so she explains it how she knows he’ll get it. She can’t outright say she’s always been female, that her gender doesn’t have to match her body. He wouldn’t understand it. Not yet.

“But you’re not- You can’t. You can’t do that and I- You’ll always be a man. You can’t say that you won’t.”

She’s not supposed to, but Sehun hears the millisecond of slipup in Baekhyun’s words. “‘I’ll?’ Baekhyun...?” She doesn’t know what to say.

“No. I didn’t- I didn’t say that. What’s wrong with you?” He frantically defends himself, getting a little loud and causing Jongdae to roll over and snort in his sleep. Both of them look, caught like deer in the headlights. Eventually, his breathing regulates and they can tell he’s back in a deeper sleep.

“Do you feel... Feminine? Like, more than as a man?”

Baekhyun shakes his head desperately. “No, I-” A sudden look comes over him, like a burden is being released from his shoulders. Something in his face changes, and the mask of anger he’d been barely holding onto drops and reveals a worries, scared face, younger looking than his years. Sehun’s got him- Baekhyun is ready to talk.

“Yes. Yes, sometimes I feel like I want- I don’t know, I don’t want to be a woman. But I don’t want to feel like a man. And it’s fucked up and I know that it’s not real and I just need to get over it but I really just didn’t want to see you being- being who you are when I can’t. I don’t know how to.” He’s breathing heavily by the end, looking like tears have come to his eyes. Sehun hopes she's not crossing any boundaries, but she leans across the bed, scooting closer, to hug Baekhyun. He collapses into her arms, beginning to cry. “I just don’t know. I don’t know! I don’t-”

“And that’s _okay._ ” Sehun whispers. “You’ll be _okay._ I promise. I used to feel like this all the time- I had no clue what I was feeling and at first I thought I was just a gay man? And so I went to an LGBT group...” She pulls away a little bit, so she can look into Baekhyun’s eyes. “It changed my life. Trans women, trans men, gender neutral people... They were all there. One of the women took me under her wing. Only a little older than me, but she had it all  figured out. I saw fifty year olds there! A woman was even _sixty-two_. You’ll be okay, no matter what you choose to do.”

He looks at her, hopeful for the first time in the conversation. “So, what am I?”

Laughing, Sehun looks down at him. He starts to get a frown, ready to get mad at her again, so she explains herself. “I can’t just _diagnose_ you because I’m transgender. You have to figure this out for yourself.” She quotes Hwayeon, suddenly feeling like a mentor. _“It’s your own journey, not mine and not anyone else’s.”_ Thinking, she slowly asks, “My friend is helping with an all-day group today. It starts at ten thirty. I was planning on missing it but you could go?” Baekhyun looks skeptical, and Sehun feels like laughing. He looks like a little kid who just tasted a lemon and is starting to figure out he doesn’t like the idea of the food anymore. “I’ll go _with_ you. We can go out to breakfast before, too.”

“They’ll recognize us.” He simply says. It’s a fact they both have to live with, an extremely valid fear. Nowhere that they go is safe from fans, or being recognized even by old ladies. It’s become a fact of life for them, for being famous. In times like these, it definitely can suck major ass. Nothing is private, and every move they make outside of SM and the apartment buildings is watched by too many eyes.

Sehun smiles at him, brightly and hoping to infect him with some enthusiasm. “We’re all sworn to secrecy there. No one can tell anyone who’s at the group, or who they might have seen or heard from at a past group. They’ve all been through that fear of being outed, or even been outed themselves. We can count on them, as long as they can count on us.”

Baekhyun draws his lips into a line. The cogs in his head are turning so obviously that it’s hard not to laugh. He stares at the wall, where some pictures from the _“Growl”_ era stare at the two.

“Yeah,” He says, looking up at Sehun and beaming his famous smile. “Yeah, I think I’ll go.”

Taking his hand and lifting him off the bed, Sehun draws Baekhyun into a real, authentic, best-friend hug. They’re both crying a little bit, but neither will ever admit it.

Jongdae snuffles in his sleep, and groggily lifts his head. “Dude, I thought you hated each other?”

“We played with each other’s buttholes and feel like buddies again.” Baekhyun snaps, acting 100% real before Sehun can respond.

“Oh.” Jongdae seems to think about it, and then rolls over to face the wall. “Yeah. Cool.”

He’s back to sleep in an instant, and both laugh.

 

\---

 

Jongin is disappointed because Sehun’s headed out with Baekhyun rather than him, but she can tell- the man’s also ecstatic that she and Baekhyun are talking again. And Baekhyun’s ecstatic too. Sehun has some feminine clothes in her bag and Baekhyun’s wearing his nicest outfit- a loose, baby pink sweater and his light, ripped up jeans, because he’s feeling feminine. He’s even proudly wearing his Nike BeTrue sneakers, with the rainbow soles. It’s cute how happy he is. Sehun promised that she’d do his makeup when they got to the building, and she follows through in the clean, white, (womens!) bathroom at the city’s small, secretly LGBT center.

Sehun feels beautiful again. (Not that she doesn’t know she _always_ is.) She’s wearing a loose, light blue sweater today, and a white pleated skirt. Her short hair is natural and curls a little bit around her head, and her makeup is soft.  She’s proud of the look- having makeup done for you and doing it yourself are two very different things. Baekhyun looks good too. He asked for more edgy makeup, so he has some sick wings that Sehun managed to pull off, and lots of highlight. She stole it from the makeup artists, and apparently it’s a seventy dollar kit that they were planning on using for _“Lucky One”_ and they were sore as hell to lose it. Oh well, better quality for Sehun.

She can tell that Baekhyun’s nervous. He’s got the same, slightly skittish smile he still gets sometimes before EXO goes onstage. It’s kind of cute, but Sehun doesn’t want to belittle him by saying it. He’s nervous about meeting people so like him, but so different. Sehun was too, her first time. It’s weird, coming from a world where that’s kept to yourself, to see so many people out and proud, at least during their time in the center. Clothes exchanges happen between trans men and women, everyone trades numbers, and a community of support is formed. It’s the best thing for Baekhyun, Sehun knows.

She practically has to drag him out of the bathroom and into the hallway. “It’s _okay_.” She yanks on his arm. “You’re gonna be okay… Let’s go, I wanna see Hwayeon.”

Baekhyun is skeptical, toeing the ground and looking at anything but Sehun. “Let’s just- I think I left my wallet at breakfast. We need to-”

Sehun rolls her eyes and pulls the older through the door. It’s a large room- clean white walls, high ceilings, and lots of natural light. Lights string across the air and small pride flags hang from the wires across the upper room. There are several large tables, couches, and chairs set up, creating a comfortable environment. About thirty or so people drift around, making conversation, hugging old friends, and drinking coffee and tea together.

Baekhyun loves Hwayeon. They actually have a lot in common, in the department that they both have some small acting dreams. Though, Hwayeon gets along with anyone well. She introduces Baekhyun to a lot of people, and Sehun happily notes that Hwayeon makes a special point to set him up talking to Joon and Seohye, who identify as gender-neutral and bigender respectively. They’ll be good for Baekhyun, especially because they’re so loving and open, and Baekhyun’s certainly got a lot of questions.

Sehun, herself, goes to meet up with some of her friends. While some of the group _are_ a little starstruck by Sehun’s celebrity status, and act a little too much of a fuss about her, most are agreeable and treat her like a normal person. It’s so relieving- to be treated like _normal_ for once and for everything- sexuality, gender identity, transition _and_ fame. It’s something she doesn’t often receive. Sure, the rest of EXO and a lot of the staff that they are around ignore her status, but no one knows enough about her to acknowledge her identity and state of transition. Here, she really is welcome.

And so is Baekhyun. The entire time that Sehun’s been moving about, greeting all her friends and talking away like a socialite, Baekhyun’s been animatedly conversing with Sohye and Joon. He’s gone from his evil smile, to sympathetic sadness, to pure curiosity. Best of all, he’s had a lighbulb above his head, something click into place, several times that Sehun has seen. She hopes this can be a good place for him, somewhere to discover himself. She hopes it can help him feel more at home in his body, answer the questions he has and help him find a name for his feelings. She hopes it can help him like it helped her.

Hwayeon is glowing, she’s just where she needs to be. Baekhyun and Sehun both love her groups, and both participate well and often. She leads group on coming out, on transition, and on safe spaces in the city, and graciously passes the baton to her other friends to lead more. It’s an incredible day, seeming to work out for everyone attending.

Catching Baekhyun as the day ends, Sehun finally is able to talk to him after nearly a full day apart. She proudly notes that he’s practically vibrating with positivity. He tells her so many good things about the day, taking up the entire walk to dinner and then some. He learned so much, all about non binary gender identities, the flexibility of it all, and how he could possibly fit in. He made friends, whose numbers he proudly shows off, and had an entire day where he could be himself.

Both are sad to see the end of it, to wipe off their makeup and change out their clothes. All good things have to come to an end, and the memory will be just as good as the day itself. All that really matters is how much the day has changed Baekhyun for the better.

That night, as they stand in the silence of the elevator to the dorms, Baekhyun whispers to Sehun with the biggest smile she’s ever seen, and says, “I think I might be non binary.”

Sehun pulls him into a tight hug, and neither show up to the apartment with dry eyes.

 

\---

 

It’s too late for anything when Baekhyun and Sehun get back to the apartment. Majority of the boys are already home, and the ones who are still out are expected to come back soon. Kyungsoo and Minseok are making idle conversation in the kitchen as they finish up cooking, and the rest of the house, comprised of Baekhyun, Sehun, Jongdae and Yixing, are gathered around their only large table, ready to eat. Napkins and condiments are being thrown around eagerly, and Jongdae is almost hit in the nose by a rogue fork. It’s hectic as always, even with two large personalities still out shopping.

Soon enough, Minseok proudly brings out some Korean-style hamburgers, a rarity at the dorms but also a favorite. It’s everyone for themselves when they come out- Yixing grabs one but it’s pulled out of his hand by Baekhyun, who hogs two, and Sehun barely gets one before they’ve all been taken a bite into. Yixing is staring sadly at his plate, and after a harsh elbowing from Sehun, Baekhyun gives back the one that he stole.

It makes Yixing’s night, cutely.

Poor Jongin and Chanyeol bang in the front door right after the food is gone, and the amazing smell still lingers in the main room.

“You’re fucked!” Jongdae sings. “We ate them all”

“No way.” Chanyeol looks up from where he’s putting bags in some sort of order on the couch. His face is like a child’s, lost, disappointed, and frozen on the verge of a major meltdown. 2+2= cat? He can’t process such a terrifying thought. “You’re joking.” The room has gone silent, apprehensively watching Chanyeol and Jongin- they might get upset, might go into a depression, or they might happily order some delivery. No one really knows.

“It’s true." Kyungsoo seems to take great pleasure in watching Chanyeol struggle for a moment, trying to maintain composure. Jongin, too, looks dead inside, like he’s given up. Food matters greatly to everyone in EXO, eaten with incredible delight when they’re allowed, but Chanyeol and Jongin both have an even more intense relationship. If meat was a person they’d probably have sex with it.

Eventually, Minseok rolls his eyes, a childish smile on his face. Joonmyeon hits him on the arm fondly, nudging him a little and doing that imploring, wide-eyed look he‘s kind of known for. Minseok relents, deciding he’s let the shoppers struggle with their emotions enough.. “I left three in the kitchen. You’ll have to fight for the extra.”

And the boys do. The house watches in amusement as the two literally climb on top of each other to make it to the kitchen, savagely yelling at each other and almost ripping the extra in half. In the end, Jongin gets about a quarter of the extra and two thirds of his own, and Chanyeol takes a little of the extra and most of his own. Some of it is lost to each of their clawed hands, or fallen to the floor. It’s hilarious, the sated smiles that overtake their faces when they’re done. Yes. They would definitely fuck the meat-person.

“So, did you buy me presents?” Baekhyun asks, throwing doe eyes at Chanyeol. “Maybe that Gant sweatshirt I really wanted?” He flutters his eyelashes.

“Actually,” Jongin says, chewing on some more food he’s found in the fridge, apparently not yet satisfied. “Most of what we bought is for Sehun.”

“What.” Sehun says, not really sure what to make of the situation. For sure, she _loves_ being spoiled, and nothing feels better than having something that someone else bought for her, (usually Joonmyeon). As the youngest of the group, she’s good at begging, not letting herself be ignored as the younger that should be thankful for even just being around. She absolutely milks her cuteness, and the way that she can make everyone cave, at least a little bit, to her wheedling. But this, she isn’t sure of. She really doesn’t need more masculine clothes- lately she’s been shopping for herself and buying more borderline androgynous looking clothing that she’s really picky about. It makes her feel better to at least not wear some manly Bape hoodie or something. But if they bought girl clothes... (Would they buy girl clothes?) she has no idea what she’d do. Of course she’d be thankful, the more feminine clothing she has the better. But what would happen if they were seen, or if they picked out something as a joke? What if she’s expected to wear this stuff around the dorms and make a fool out of herself for them? It’s not likely, with how positively the two reacted when she came out in her dress the other day, but it really scares Sehun. Every little thing can blow up in your head when you’re trans.

“Yeah...” Jongin’s lost a little enthusiasm. “We picked out some dresses, and other girly things... Is that okay?” He looks like a puppy. Not sure if he’s crossed a line, he becomes bashful and kicks his foot a little bit, putting down his food. Chanyeol has about the same expression.

“No- No I-” Sehun stutters. She trusts Jongin and Chanyeol. With this reaction of sadness that they don’t think she feels comfortable, that she isn’t going to approve of them buying these things, this _respect_ of her limits, She’s sure they’re for real. “I think that’s incredible.” She stands up, going to hug both Chanyeol and Jongin. “I think that you are both amazing for doing that. I feel really loved...” A few little tears come to her eyes, but she blinks them away. God sakes woman, they haven’t even shown the clothes yet! “Can I see?”

“Of course!” Chanyeol bounds in his long strides to the living room area, already digging through his and Jongin’s bags. Jongin washes the grease off his hands and joins in quickly.

The clothes they pull out- God, the clothes. They know Sehun too well, even though they have barely seen her feminine fashion. A lot of the clothes are soft, pale colors, loose in some ways but also skintight. They all look incredibly comfortable, and suited well to round out her still masculine body structure.

“We said ‘fuck all’ and just hid ourselves really well. Jongin even tried on the clothes because he’s only a little more muscular than you!” Chanyeol boasts, slapping his friend on the back. Jongin looks embarrassed.

“Yeah, I did.”

The rest of the boys, whom Sehun didn’t even realize had already cleaned up the table and trickled in after her to see the clothes, laugh a little at Jongin’s expense.

“That’s very nice of you.” Joonmyeon beats Sehun to the thanks, coming up and sifting through the clothes. He coos at some of the ones he likes, so stereotypically fit to the older’s tastes. “Would you try on these?” He holds up a pair of ripped up, bleached-blue boyfriend jeans, and  grid-striped white shirt with pink accents, cutely oversized even for someone Sehun-sized.

“I mean,” Sehun looks at the others for a reaction. Jongdae and Baekhyun, having both separately seen Sehun in her femme clothes already, shout out their approval. Jongin and Chanyeol are ecstatic, Yixing looks a little clueless, still nodding along, and Kyungsoo, Joonmyeon, and Minseok fix her with looks of non-judgmental curiosity. No one looks like they see this as a joke.

“Uh, sure. I’ll wear that.” She says, a little shocked. She takes the clothes from Joonmyeon, hands shaking with a mix of excitement and nerves. Going to her room, she barely notices Jongin following her.

“Sehun.” He closes the door behind him, leaving just the two of them. “I have a present for you but please don’t think it’s weird. Chanyeol said it was out of his knowledge if you’d be okay with this but I thought I’d just try and God was it embarrassing but I pulled through-”

A little cautious, Sehun assures him that she’ll at least be open to whatever he has for her.  She has no idea what could be making him this nervous.

“I bought you- Just look.”

Inside the black glossed bag he hands over, a pink Victoria’s Secret bag is hidden. Sehun audibly gasps. “You didn’t.”

“I mean,” Jongin laughs nervously. “I pretty much did.”

“Nini, I- I-” Sehun finds tears in her eyes. This is a real best friend. She knows how embarrassed he gets around women’s underwear, always quick to evacuate that section of the store when EXO is out together. This must have taken a lot out of him, really pushed his boundaries. It’s... Incredible. _This_  is what a best friend does.

“I didn’t try these ones on!” Jongin catches himself, quickly realizing a bit he forgot to say. “I just asked one of the ladies there and she helped me I swear.”

Sehun laughs. “What did you say, ‘I have a giant girlfriend who has bee-sting boobs and needs underwear that she has no idea what size?”

Jongin finds himself laughing too. “Something like that.”

Sehun hugs him again, still holding the bag in her hand. “Thank you.” She whispers in his ear, raw emotion showing through. “Thank you.” Jongin squeezes her tightly, probably smiling from ear to ear. Sehun pulls her face away for a moment, catching Jongin’s eyes. “Will you move back in with me?”

He looks surprised, a little bit. At least, his eyebrows go up. Releasing Sehun, he scratches at his stubbly face and replies, “Well I only moved out because I thought that you would want me to, cause girls and guys don’t share rooms and all that…”

Sehun punches Jongin in the shoulder. “Guys who buy girls underwear and love and support them endlessly can _definitely_ share rooms.”

Jongin laughs. “Well then, what else are best friends for, huh?”

 

\---

 

Alone in her room, Sehun eventually looks through the underwear, having put off the exciting moment long enough. Jongin’s picked out three bras for her, each different. One is a smooth, white bra, made for under tee-shirts and the like, sort of push up but not- just enough to make her breasts look a little bigger and more rounded under her clothes. The second is a light pink lace one, with straps that clasp on the back of her neck, and far down her mid back. It’s the cutest one of the three. But the third... Sehun can only imagine the look on Jongin’s face when he bought it- pure suffering. It’s black, lacy, and entirely push up lingerie. Sehun too feels embarrassed for a moment, but then she picks it up. Holding it in her hands, she’s closer to tears than ever. This is something she would never buy for herself, but something she’s also needed. Badly. This bra seems to feel like another marker in her transition, the understanding that others think her body can actually be sexy.

The underwear do just as much too. They’re all thin little things, but what can you expect from Victoria’s Secret. Two of them have full bottoms, enough coverage so that she won’t feel exposed, or the need to use two to tuck. The rest are half-thongs- full in the front but a little more butt in the back. They’re all different colors, and they look like Jongin just grabbed a handful and threw them in the bag. Good thing, though, because she’ll probably need two every time she tucks, just to keep everything in place.

 _Now_ she can wear her new clothes.

She does a quick tuck with some duct tape she’s recently added to her secret stash, getting better and better as the days go by. The jeans fit nicely with that, just enough looseness on her naturally thin legs. The shirt, too- with the tee shirt bra her breasts look bigger, and the outfit is a chill, relaxed look. With the neck almost hanging off one shoulder, Sehun looks damn good.

It’s always hard to come out of the room, though. Harder now that everyone is looking. But for once, she doesn’t feel self conscious. She knows that this outfit looks good on her. She knows that she can pull it off. Does she know that the others will like it?

Maybe. They all seemed open to seeing her wear it. They all looked like they genuinely cared to see what Sehun really wants to wear, really wants to present like.

“Don’t laugh at me.” She whispers, popping her head out of the doorway and into the hall to look at the gathered boys. “I’m really trusting you all...”

A chorus of 'no’s and reassurances erupt from the group. This is it. This is when Sehun shows them herself as she needs to be seen.

Carefully, she steps out of the room, walking down the hall and standing in front of EXO. Most of their jaws hang slack- Joonmyeon, Kyungsoo, Minseok, and Yixing haven’t seen her at all in her femme clothes, and Chanyeol and Jongdae look awed even having seen her before. It’s cute. Jongin, of course, is smiling from ear to ear, clearly restraining himself from shouting into Sehun and bear-hugging her in circles. Baekhyun watches with a satisfied smile. She knows he’s proud, he doesn’t have to say anything more.

Growing a little bit uncomfortable in the silence, Sehun shifts her weight around, looking from face to face of each boy. When she catches Joonmyeon’s eye, his face crumples. Tears begin to run down his cheeks and he sniffles like a baby before he runs up and buries his face in the crook of Sehun’s neck, hugging her tight enough to force the air from her lungs.

“I’m so, so proud of you-” He coughs out, still crying. “I can’t believe I haven’t seen it in you until now! You’re my strong, beautiful _daughter!”_

That does it. Sehun’s weeping too, and she’s pretty sure that her tear-blurred eyes don’t see a single stoic face in the entire room. Her boys crowd in around her, chattering proudly about their ‘baby sister Sehun,’ and how they love her and see her as she is for the first time. The whole experience stuns her- sure, she’s been accepted before, celebrated, even. Hwayeon and Kwangsuk throw a scene at every single thing she does, she could even change her socks and they’d find some sort of meaning and reason to be endlessly proud. But this- this love from the people she’s been closer to than the whole world for nearly half her life- this is incredible. It’s a full body high, and she feels like she’s never coming down. The crush of chattering bodies around her means nothing, this is all just radiant energy around her, making her heart grow bigger and bigger as she soaks it up that she feels it might burst. Life is perfect in that moment, obscenely, beautifully, perfect.

 

\---

 

“Hey, Sehun, catch!” Jongin is tossing an apple to Sehun, but it seems more like he’s hucking it at her head. It’s around five a.m, and he’s entirely too lively for the hour. Everyone else is practically a zombie- trudging out of their rooms in rumpled clothing with bags under their eyes and slack-jawed faces, so it’s no question that Sehun herself barely catches the apple. Jongin's peppy behavior must be delirium from the lack of sleep, she concludes.

“Thanks,” She groans, pocketing the fruit to eat in the car. Not looking back, she asks, “Will you grab me an instant oatmeal too?”

Jongin is already out of the kitchen when she asks, so he in turn, as if she couldn’t have been heard by any of the boys shuffling around in the kitchen, calls over his shoulder, “Chanyeol, will you grab Sehun some of hi-”

Jongin stops, face screwed up in confusion. Desperately, he looks at Sehun, begging for a response with his eyes. She doesn’t know what expression would tell him that he’s wrong, so, she shrugs, and gestures for Jongin to continue. After a pause, he does. “She? Yeah, _she_ wants her oatmeal. Grab me one too.” He sticks out his tongue at Sehun as if she’d be mad at him for taking one of her baggies of oats when he just gave one of the biggest acts of validation she’s had in the world. She! (!!!!!!!!!) He’d called Sehun a _She!!!!_

“Right.” Chanyeol cocks his head at the use of the pronoun. “Where are... _her_ oats?”

He knows where Sehun’s oats are. He’d seen her put them away in the cupboard just a few days ago- it’s sweet that he’s pretending not to know so that he can call her by the right pronoun. Touching.

Catching on, Jongdae says, “I think _her_ oatmeal is by _her_ fruit snacks.”

“Actually, I think _she_ put them by _her_ dry boba." Baekhyun supplies, beaming.

“Aren’t _her_ fruit snacks in _her_ room, in that hiding place _she_ thinks is secret but we all know about?" Minseok asks, shocking Sehun a little bit, but she’ll let it slide for now because of the pronouns. “So _her_ oatmeal can’t be there."

The conversation goes on, a huge spectacle being made about the oatmeal that’s already made it into Sehun and Jongin’s hands. It’s insanely cute, the whole house coming together like this to make Sehun feel so good. God, how things can change. This outcome- EXO being so supportive, so kind, is the outcome Sehun had only imagined in _dreams!_ Someone up in heaven must be pulling some major strings for her to have such an incredibly compassionate and supportive response to her transition. Maybe the country really is progressing? It’s hard to think about, with all the noise around her, but she really does hope.

Smiling widely from across the house, Joonmyeon interrupts the chatter.“Sehun better get this oatmeal together or we’ll be leaving without _her_!”

The boys whoop and holler, suddenly awake and lively from the morning’s pep rally. They all make a point to touch her in some way to show their care, and for the millionth time in the past few days, Sehun feels loved.

 

\---

 

She’s fucked.

Utterly, completely, mind-numbingly _fucked._

Sehun and the boys’ schedule today had been a surprise- things were still being worked out with the choreography practices so they had no real idea of what was going on until they entered the sprinter van. Turns out, the world really does hate Sehun and all the blessings she’s been given are to make up for the fact that she is so completely fucked over in the ass with a cactus right now.

EXO is doing the _Monster”_ photoshoot today.

Now, right, a photoshoot is just a photoshoot, isn’t it?

No. Not with SM. Not with this kind of comeback. Sehun, along with the others, have been pressured to get fit these past weeks, to gain those abs, shoulders, biceps that the fans all love in time for the promo photos. Here’s the thing- all of this entails Sehun taking off her clothes. It’s a given that the directors are going to want her shirtless. She’s not being vain- she knows. And this, this is why Sehun is about to melt into the back row seat and die, right here and now.

Death seems to be the only option. She can’t be found out, not now and not in a photoshoot. She’s barely come out to EXO! There’s no way in _hell_ she’s coming out to the world right now. If she takes her shirt off, exposes the bold blue lace bralet she’s chosen to wear today, this could be the end. EXO could be disbanded, Sehun’s gender identity being the ‘inconvenience’ that pushes the group out of SM’s good books after so many messy departures. And if the boys seem to accept her now, they’d never if she ruined their _careers_ for them. This is all of their lifeblood, Sehun’s too. This is their dream, their blessing. No matter the hard work, endless practice, strict diets- no matter everything they have to struggle through- this is their life. This is their chance to be the people they’ve always wanted to be.

And if Sehun were to be outed now... That could end it all. She’s not being dramatic, either. She’s seen what happens to transgender women in this country; they’re either fetishized, made fun of, or killed. No matter her status now as a member of one of the rising boy bands, she won’t receive any mercy when it comes down to the wire.

Hwayeon wants to see Sehun in a dress on TV.

Hwayeon is a dreamer.

Sehun has to sit in that thought for a moment, decide how she feels.

“What’s wrong?” Interrupting Sehun’s thoughts in the perfect moment, Yixing leans his kind face into Sehun’s range of vision, smiling softly with that look that could put a puppy to shame. He’s in the back next to Sehun, and is quick to reach for her hand and hold it tightly. “Are you worried about the shoot?”

Sehun laughs lightly, the forced sound helping the waver stay out of her voice. “Yeah. I don’t think you realize- They’re gonna want to do something with me. Wet shirt, tight shirt, _no_ shirt... I’m fucked. _We’re_ fucked.” Her voice breaks, and a manager in the front looks back at her. Sehun lowers her voice even more. “If it gets out that I am transgender, we could disband.”

Yixing presses his lips together, seeming to think for a moment. His eyes look around the van, from sleeping head to sleeping head, out each window, into the vents, even. When she opens her mouth to tell him it’s okay not to have a response, he gently shushes her.

“It won’t happen.” Yixing simply states, offering a warm smile, and squeeze of her hand. “You’ve got eight big brothers to look after you; you’ll be okay.”

Sehun shakes her head, trying to believe the words. The black, evil monster of doubt still holds her, however. “How? I can't- I’m wearing a bra today, Yixing.”

He nods, moving his arm to wrap around her shoulders, pull her head down so it rests on his chest where he’s nestled against the left corner of the bench. It’s soothing, to instantly hear Yixing’s heartbeat in her ear, and feel his breath go up and down. Yixing knows how to comfort Sehun, knows she’s a touchy person. He’s so good at it, too- his right arm is draped over her shoulders and stroking her hair, the left rubbing circles on the back of her hand. Sehun automatically relaxes into the touch, sighing and looking up at Yixing, waiting for him to comfort her more.

“You know,” Yixing pauses, looking up like his words will be written on the ceiling. Eventually, he seems to find them, looking back to Sehun. “I think that yes, this is a huge deal, it’s a moment where we have to use all our strength to keep you safe. But also, no. It’s not as important as you make it to be, and also more important, too. If that makes sense.”

Sehun furrows her brow. “Explain?”

Yixing sighs, again searching for what he wants to say, translating it to Korean. “In your life, you are transgender. But you are also just Sehun. And Sehun is in EXO. Sehun is our little sister. It’s not important right now whatever is under your shirt. It’s important that you know we all will protect you no matter what. You could have a giant tattoo of a butt on your chest, and we would do just the same to help hide it. Maybe we would judge you a little more.” He smiles fondly. “We’re here for you. We have more power in this photoshoot than you think. I don’t think it makes too much sense. But all I want you to know is that it’s not a big deal right now. We aren’t fucked. We’ve been through so much and this photoshoot is nothing in comparison. We will all live, including EXO.”

Sehun tries to wrap her head around the idea. She’s been emphasizing so much of what the worst outcome could be. Yixing is right- she’s not dooming the boys, she’s simply in need of help. They can protect her. It’s not just on Sehun’s shoulders to conceal her secret, it’s also a secret that the others are in on, and have to do just as much to keep it that way.

“I don’t know.” She says doubtfully. Yixing’s words have helped her, made the threat less of an all-encompassing feeling of dread, but she still has nagging fear. It’s impossible not to. “I just don’t know.”

“That’s okay.” Yixing shifts a little, getting more comfortable by pushing lower into the van corner, getting both him and Sehun into a more horizontal pose. “I’m going to try to see the sunrise over the buildings. You can sleep if you want.”

Sehun nods, and tries to close her eyes. Worries still dance over her head, but focusing on Yixing’s heartbeat really helps. It’s steady. No matter what, his heart will continue to beat. No matter what, EXO will still continue to be.

It’s a long drive to the studio. The manager that is driving gets lost an endless amount of time because he’s unfamiliar with the area and it’s a new photographer being tried out, and then ends up having to switch with the other. It’s around seven when EXO gets to the building, and just a little after they tromp into large, loft-style studio. There are already several sets coming together, some plain backdrops and a few set up with chain link fences, fake rocks.

“Kwon Jae.” The photographer finally appears, a young, art-student-looking guy complete with a scant mustache and a travel cup of some independent-brand coffee. Introducing himself, he shakes the manager's hands, before moving on to the kids. “EXO, welcome, welcome. Let me see if I can remember- Suho? You are the leader, right?”

“Yes, hello.” Smiling his perfect, gleaming smile, Joonmyeon steps forward. “The kids and I can’t wait to work with you. What do you have planned today?” Joonmyeon’s eyes asses Jae, watching him before he speaks with a protective gleam. He knows what each of his kids don’t like, can’t do. He’s going to look out for them, Sehun knows.

Jae moves down the line, scrutinizing each member as he passes. “I was looking at some of your previous shots to get a sense of you all, but the energy you give off... It wasn’t very well shown. What are your star signs?”

Almost everyone tilts their head, some confusedly and others judgment. Star signs? Get out.

“I’m sorry,” Minseok speaks for the group. “None of us know our star signs.”

A manager cuts in, interrupting like they always do. “We don’t think that matters very much. Please just take the best photos for the promotions that will go over well with the fans.”

Jae pouts, obviously distressed that his great artistic dream will not be fulfilled today with so many somewhat-willing models. He’ll have to get used to it- SM isn’t really about artistic dreams rather than what will sell. “I suppose. Let’s set up then, shall we? I have some outfits and jewelry for you all to try on, and I’ll tell you now what areas to head to. We’ll be doing portraits over by those backgrounds, please put on what my makeup artists have for you there and set up like my assistant asks. When you’re ready!”

“They’re ready.” A manager replies, and EXO gets to work. Like trained dogs, they let themselves be dressed up and covered in makeup, all sorts of crazy hairstyles and dark faces. The portraits go slowly; whoever is shooting their intense, dramatic photos is made fun of behind the camera by the rest. One member takes at least half an hour, with all the different angles and ideas that have to be worked through. Jongin especially takes a while, because for some reason his mullet-looking hair is too funny to the rest of the band. Sehun’s go through rather painlessly though, just poses and expressions. Nothing full body, which is a damn relief. She rather likes the outcome- plain pictures of her face, black hair and black turtleneck, neutral makeup. The only color is some light thrown across her face. In them, she doesn’t look too... masculine. Baekhyun points out that she looks more like an androgynous, even feminine model, completing some stereotypical art-class photos. Sehun bumps his shoulder in a quiet thanks for the reassurance.

She can tell the managers are getting antsy- Chanyeol, Minseok, and Joonmyeon have yet to go, but already they are at the two-hour warning, a set of practices with the completed “ _Monster_ ” choreography to be filmed are scheduled for the rest of the day. They’ll be from after lunch to the night, if lunch even happens. It’s looking like it won’t, at this rate.

“O-kay...” Jae looks over the members, paused in the midst of Joonmyeon’s photos. He stands awkwardly mid-pose, waiting for instruction. “I think we’ll do some full body shots, or at least prep while I finish here. Baekhyun, Chen: go to the fake fences and find out what the makeup girls want to do with you. Same with D.O, Lay, Kai- head over to the ruined car. Sehun, you’re special. Head over to the black backdrop. I was thinking that we could do some more of the colored light pictures, but this time shirtless. I’ll meet you there soon.”

Joonmyeon’s face turns into a scowl. Jae returns to the camera and huffily asks him to change his expression. “What’s going on?” He irritatedly asks, throwing his hands up. “I told you neutral!”

“Sehun can’t do shirtless shots.”

Jae twists his lip. “Well, that’s what he’s doing. What’s your excuse?”

“Our youngest has been...” Joonmyeon scrambles for an excuse, bringing up nothing.

“Sehun’s got some drawings.” Minseok jumps in, quickly inventing a story. “Sehun fell asleep first a few days ago when were...” Minseok wobbles his hand, giving off an impression of inebriation. “There are some really bad sharpie drawings on Sehun’s stomach. It's embarrassing"

One of the managers cuts in. “He can do it. Jae will use Photoshop on him. Let’s move.”

Jae nods like a kid who snitched to his mom and is watching his sibling get punished, pleased that he‘s getting his way.

“No, no.” Joonmyeon steps off the set, striding to be between Jae and the two managers. “Sehun really shouldn’t do that shoot. It’s a matter of privacy. Sehun’s very embarrassed and the drawings have to do with a lot of EXO secrets that shouldn’t be on any camera.” Flashing his deadly, gleaming leader smile, Joonmyeon places a hand on Jae’s shoulder. “It’s not that I don’t trust you but... This is what needs to happen for our youngest."

Sehun notices that he’s refusing to use a male pronoun for her. It’s sweet, but definitely weird sounding. She can’t believe that they’re even thinking that much about her comfort, even in public where everyone else is still calling her a male. It’s so heartfelt, so supportive. They’re really, incredibly, behind her.

She figures she can let it go on now, let it help her feel better, but afterwards- she’ll need to tell them that it has to be okay to call her a ‘he’ in public. It’s integral to the secret kept around her gender.

“What does he have to say for this?” A manager asks. “Sehun. What is on your chest.”

“Well...” Sehun starts laughing, a few giggles escaping from her stoic face. Do they _really_ want to know what’s on her chest? It’s too funny, for some reason. “I really do think that I can’t do the shoot. What’s on my chest- It’s not just my own privacy in jeopardy, it’s the others. My big brothers wrote some sensitive things about each other and drew some pictures that really shouldn’t be shown.”

Jongin jumps in. “We used Sehun’s body as a canvas or something. Wrote a lot of digs on each other because we thought it was funny.” What a reason this is. Writing? Private writing? On her chest? It makes no sense, but they all can only hope and pray that it will work out.

“We’ll do it anyways." The manager grinds out. He’s angry at both the hold up and the insubordination. “Sehun, just move your ass and take off your shirt. Whatever the hell is on your chest doesn’t matter."

Shocked, Sehun starts to panic. How can she possibly escape this one? She’s really going to be outed today, really going to have to bare all to the entire room. She’s barely come out to EXO, some of the people she trusts more than anyone in the world. To have to let these absolute strangers know her secret? It’s impossible. She has no idea who they might tell or what they might say. When average people know a secret about a celebrity, it never stays that way for long. This is it. This is the end for her.

“No." Yixing makes his way over, ignoring a makeup artist in the process of retouching his face. “Sehun doesn’t have to."

The manager laughs, as if Yixing is making a joke at trying to disobey.

Kyungsoo and Jongin come back from where they were about to head over to their set, repeating Yixing’s words with intimidating faces. “It’s Sehun’s choice."

“I won’t do the rest of my photos,” Baekhyun warns. Jongdae agrees. “Don’t make Sehun take off the shirt.”

“Free will.” States Minseok, fixing Jae with one of his intimidating glares. “Sehun doesn’t have to.”

Soon enough, all the boys are lined up in front of Sehun in various stages of undress. The makeup artists watch helplessly as their charges escape from them, and the managers look at a loss for how to control them all. They’re like a wall, protecting Sehun with their arms crossed and faces turned to stony masks. She knows what this looks like. Several rare times in the past, they’ve all had to do this for another member, all had to protect someone from something they can’t face alone. Now, she finally gets to feel the comfort and power of this protection herself. Jae looks scared. Sehun knows that this is just what Joonmyeon wants. The leader has felt this before. Loved it, even. This is the rare time he feels comfortable with the power of being a leader, being Suho- when he’s protecting his kids.

Joonmyeon smiles, a cruel, winner’s smile. “So we’ve made our point, then?"

Jae looks like he’s about to stomp his foot and throw a tantrum. Oh poor baby, not getting his way in his photoshoot. Heaving a great sigh and pinching his nose, he finally agrees, “Fine. Sehun, we’ll skip your full body, then. Just go clean up and you’ll be done.”

Victory. Sehun feels victory.

She and the boys may not all be brothers anymore, but they’re more now. Stronger than blood, stronger than time, they are EXO.

And EXO will protect Sehun, no matter what she does.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, I did not expect this to grow to the thing it’s become. Really, I thought this would end up a few thousand words, a short and sweet little story. (Now look at this overgrown monstrosity ;)) I’m just so thankful I could write this baby out in time (?) ish so that we could all see it. Thanks for bearing with me and reading this rambly 20k+ shit. Please talk to me, criticize me, tell me it’s shit, whatever. I want to hear it all :)
> 
> Also @ my lovely prompter: thank you :) I don’t know if I followed your prompt exactly, but I really hope this is to your liking anyways. I legit love you for this prompt I was so hype about writing this.
> 
> (& hmu at jihooniepyo or btsdadd anytime on tumblr)
> 
> ((If you really want to know what happens in the future I might write an add on??? Not sure.))


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